Category Archives: Blog

“The Blog.” Musings and meandering thoughts on whatever strikes me as amusing or interesting at a particular moment. There is no rhyme or reason to the posts you will find here. Trust me.

Friday Four: The Sad Little Blog

Today, boys and girls, I’m going to tell you the story of The Sad Little Blog.

Once upon a time, there was a blog who had lots of visitors. These visitors would leave all sorts of wonderful comments. The blog loved having so many friends. It made him so very happy.

Every day, the blog would skip to work. He would sing “la la la” the entire way. If he came across a bug on the sidewalk, he would grant the bug a quick, merciful death. If a hobo asked the blog for spare change, he would smile as he skipped on by without saying a word.

But then, one day, inexplicably, the visitors stopped visiting. The blog was suddenly alone. This made him so very sad.

“Where did all my friends go,” the blog wondered as he curled into a ball in the corner of his bedroom and sobbed uncontrollably.

The blog stopped eating. He stopped sleeping. His hopes and dreams were replaced by sadness and despair. He stopped showering, shaving or cleaning his ears. The blog had reached bottom.

That’s when he decided to make everyone pay for shunning him!

…TO BE CONTINUED…

Wasn’t that an exciting story, boys and girls? And it makes an excellent segue into this week’s Friday Four!

For this week’s Friday Four, I am going to list four possible reasons SKOS has begun to resemble the shopping mall in your hometown that everyone used to visit before they built the new one.

One

I Have Lost My Mojo

Personally, I don’t think I’ve written anything funny or interesting since sometime in 2006, but I digress.

Writer’s block happens to the best of us. It’s entirely possible my writing hasn’t been up to snuff lately. I mean, did anyone read my Dear Moms of the World… post and NOT think it was a desperate attempt to be liked?

It’s certainly clear I’m having difficulty thinking of ideas since I’ve re-posted two posts from my archives (The Shower Bandit and Prince Attacked, Assailant Still at Large) in the past couple weeks and I’ve started a weekly Ask Kev blog series that reeks of mediocrity and sadness.

Maybe THIS is why people have started to shun me? Maybe I’ve lost the funny.

Two

Everyone Has Olympic Fever

Did you know the Summer Olympics are going on right now in China? I sure didn’t. I haven’t paid attention to the Olympics since Tonya Harding beat every competitor and judge with a crowbar at the 1992 games. I figured the Olympics could never top that, so why continue to watch.

But anyway, perhaps my readers are too busy watching the Olympics to visit SKOS? You’d like to think people would have their priorities in proper order, but not everyone does.

Three

People are Afraid I Might Interview Them

After my ridiculously long interview with Angi, it’s possible the rest of my readers went into hiding.

Upon witnessing the hard-hitting questions I tend to ask (Example: “Capri pants. Thumbs up or thumbs down?”), no one else was willing to endure the same kind of abuse. And so, they stopped visiting.

Four

Internet Privileges Revoked

Since approximately 94% of my readers are criminals, Internet access can be a sporadic thing. Those readers on the run from the law might be at a safe house without Internet access. Readers recently arrested might not be able to get their daily SKOS fix while standing trial. And it’s quite possible some readers currently in prison have had their Internet privileges revoked for laughing too hard.

Add all that up and a huge chunk of my readership is MIA.

And there you have it. Four theories attempting to explain what the heck happened to all my readers.

So, what do YOU think happened to my readers? I’m asking, of course, the two of you still here. What are your theories? Let’s discuss this amongst ourselves, shall we?

Ask Kev: Tips for Teachers

Partly due to the fact I think it’s a neat idea and mostly due to the fact I think I ran out of original blog post ideas way back in November of 2007, I present to you all a new feature here at SKOS: Ask Kev.

Since no one in their right mind would actually ask ME an important question, I am going to steal questions submitted to various advice columnists. I’m sorry, did I say steal? I meant borrow. Yes, that’s it. Borrow.

Today, I’m borrowing a question recently sent to the famous Dear Abby.

DEAR ABBY KEV:

I am a high school teacher who has been encountering some problems with my students.

I know I should enforce discipline, but I don’t seem to have any control over my students. They blatantly ridicule my clothing and my voice. Sometimes I even feel bullied. I try to ignore it, but it doesn’t seem to end. The entire class participates and finds it hilarious. What can I do to control my students?

- TRYING HARD IN TENNESSEE

Dear Trying Hard in Tennessee (THIT),

I couldn’t help but notice the lame advice Abby gave you. Talk to other educators? Take some assertiveness training classes? Come on, Abby. You’re better than that. If someone wrote you asking for a good recipe for meatloaf, would you tell him or her to take a cooking class? Or would you give the person a good recipe?

Brace yourself, THIT. I’m about to give you a good recipe.

A Scary Teacher is a Respected Teacher

I taught high school for three years. I feel your pain, my friend. There are many wonderful, good students in the world. And then there are the others. The ones who should be spanked daily by their parents. The ones whose parents should be slapped in the face daily by every member of society.

There is a widely-circulated piece of advice given to new teachers: make an example of a misbehaving student on your first day. By starting out tough, the theory goes, you’re showing any potential “problem” students that you mean business.

With the new school year about to begin, I HIGHLY recommend this advice, THIT. If the school year has already started, this will make your job harder, but implement this strategy anyway. Show the students you are a teacher not to be trifled with and they will refrain from trifling you. And if they DO trifle with you, make them pay!

What you can get away with depends on where you teach, but here are some general tips to show students you mean business:

  • Offer chewing gum to everyone in the class. Once the gum has been handed out, begin yelling at the students and tell them gum isn’t allowed in your classroom. They’ll think you’re crazy, which is important when it comes to controlling a classroom.
  • If someone talks without permission, shoot a rubber band at their head. Why a rubber band? Because throwing a pencil could injure someone. You don’t want to get into trouble, do you?
  • Write “I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die” on the chalkboard or whiteboard at the front of the classroom. Write it in big letters. Leave it up all school year, but never make mention of it. Being mysterious works when dating, and it works when trying to keep students guessing as to whether or not you’re pyscho.
  • Every ten minutes or so, open up one of the drawers to your desk. Look into it and begin having a whispered conversation with someone or something living inside it. Close the drawer and go back to your job.
  • Place police tape around one of the desks/chairs in your classroom. When students ask about it say, “Oh. That? That’s nothing. Sometimes I just don’t know my own strength.”

You get the idea. Want your students to stop ridiculing your clothing and your voice? Convince them that doing so could set off a raging lunatic!

(Or, if you want real, SERIOUS advice, check out this other post of mine.)

Good luck, THIT. You’ll do great. I just know it.

The Shower Bandit

That’s when I thought to myself, “it must be the shower bandit!”
- John the Moron

For a variety of reasons, I did not enjoy the experience of living in a college dorm. My psychotic roommate was one reason, but the following idiotic story is another.

During my freshman year, the male dorms at my college were being terrorized by someone dubbed “The Shower Bandit.” The bandit, a guy, would sneak into the community showers, sneak a peek, and then run away. The college newspaper would actually report “bandit” sightings on campus. Some said he was simply an urban legend. Personally, I thought the odds were pretty good the bandit and my roommate were one and the same, but that’s a story for another time.

Then one day the shower bandit was caught. By the grace of God, I was visiting home the weekend it happened. I say this because the events surrounding his capture took place in the hallway of my dorm, approximately twenty yards from my room. The Monday morning after I returned, I picked up the day’s edition of our college newspaper. There, on the front page no less, was the story detailing the bandit’s capture.

It was the most ridiculous story I have ever read in my life.

A guy who lived down the hall from me, let’s call him John, was taking a shower. In the newspaper story, John explains that everything was proceeding as usual when he heard someone enter the bathroom. At first, John said, he didn’t think anything of it. It was probably just one of the other fifty guys that share this bathroom.

However, about a minute later, John explains that someone brushed up against his shower curtain. A few seconds later, the person left the bathroom. Quick on his feet, John came to the only logical conclusion one could make it such a situation:

“That’s when I thought to myself,” John was quoted as saying, “it must be the shower bandit!”

John did not waste any time.

The newspaper story says he hopped out of the shower and ran outside to confront the stranger. That’s right, John was much too determined to bother with something as simple as putting on a towel to cover himself. He had much more important things to worry about. Once in the hallway, John saw a guy walking in the opposite direction. Was this even the same guy? Maybe. Who knows.

John ran right up to the stranger and began yelling at him. In between yells, John asked him what he was doing. The stranger responded that he was visiting a friend. In the newspaper story, John then pointed out how nervous the guy was acting. You think, John? If I was walking along minding my own business when a wet, naked guy came running up and yelled at me, I might act nervous, too.

John then asked the stranger who he was visiting, and the stranger responded by pointing to a door. It was John’s door. Despite the fact John shares his dorm with someone and the stranger could have been a friend of John’s roommate, John took this as proof he was the shower bandit. He began yelling, “it’s the shower bandit” over and over.

The stranger ran for the exit. It was a smart thing to do considering twenty guys had just bolted from their dorms, some of them carrying bats and golf clubs. A high-speed car chase then began. The stranger was chased all over campus by about ten different vehicles. He narrowly escaped, but not before someone had written down his license plate number.

The stranger was later arrested and put in a police lineup. The cops had a perfect witness. He was cool under pressure and didn’t possess even the slightest bit of modesty.

John was able to pick out the suspect right away. He told the newspaper it was easy because everyone in the lineup wore a t-shirt except for one guy who was wearing a polo shirt. John explained that the stranger he met in the hallway was wearing preppy clothes, and the only person in the police lineup dressed preppy was the guy in the polo shirt.

John was a moron.

Addendum:

There was something not mentioned in the newspaper article I’ve always wondered about. After “alerting the troops,” what was John doing during the high-speed chase?

I mean, he was naked, in the middle of the hallway, soaking wet. Twenty guys came running out of their dorms with bats, golf clubs and whatever blunt object they had handy. Did John just stand there admiring the chaos he started, or did he follow the mob?

If the latter, does that mean he was inside one of those cars? If yes, he couldn’t very well have been driving his own car because he had no keys on his person (or at least I hope he didn’t). That means he was a passenger in someone else’s car.

Which begs the question: What idiot allowed a wet, naked John to sit in his car?

The above is a slightly modified repost of a post that originally debuted at my old blog on July 13, 2005. It is completely, 100% true. And yes, that also makes it 100% sad.

Dear Moms of the World: I’m Still a Nice Boy

This past weekend, I wrote a guest blog post for a friend of mine. It was hilarious.

However, I fear it might have tarnished my image. You see, I used this guest post as an opportunity to write about something I’ve long wanted to ridicule, but didn’t want to tackle here at SKOS due to its questionable content. Luckily, my friend also loathed the subject of my ridicule: Cosmo Magazine (and those like it).

So, why am I afraid ridiculing Cosmo has tarnished my image? Well, because people think I actually read the dirty thing. A few excerpts from my blog post:

To help give me insight into the minds of women, I decided to buy some girly magazines.

As luck would have it, the first magazine I looked at had the adorable Kristen Bell on the cover. It was a Cosmo magazine.

Two minutes later, my eyes began to bleed. What I found within those pages shook me to my very core.

Cosmo took the small, innocent boy within me outside behind the barn and shot him dead.

I’m not sure why it surprised me to discover people actually thought I read Cosmo. When you say you did something, people tend to believe you actually did it! People are funny like that.

Why does it matter? Because I don’t want people (i.e. moms of single girls) to think I’m not a nice guy!

Hear me now, good readers. I did not read Cosmo. My innocence was not shattered. As my friend Steve once wrote about me, what you read was simply another example of my “comedic persona.” When I write, I often make things up in order to be funny. However, behind it all is a nice guy who just sometimes doesn’t know how to control his own wit.

My open-letter to lazy parents telling them to teach their children proper etiquette wasn’t an example of my being condescending and boorish as much as it was a glance into how I was raised to behave. To this day, I still say please, thank you, yes sir, no sir, yes ma’am and no ma’am in everyday conversation. And I still hold doors open for people, regardless of age or gender.

My fake news story outlining how many Americans will complain about their financial situation one minute and then buy something they don’t need the next minute wasn’t mean spirited. It was simply a comedic way of expressing how I believe in frugality, budgeting, and avoiding impulse purchases. If you’re into those three things, economic recessions don’t tend to hurt as much.

When I wrote I actually look good when I sneeze I wasn’t being smug or vain. I was being self deprecating. Mind you, I don’t dislike how I look. But the only time my name and Brad Pitt’s name will REALLY be used in the same headline is if I punch him in the face for talking about Fight Club. And even then the headline would probably be something like, “Less Handsome Man Punches Brad Pitt for Being More Handsome.”

When I write about Keanu Reeves being a horrible actor or Paris Hilton being a prime example of what’s wrong with today’s society, it’s not because… Actually, those are bad examples. I totally believe Keanu Reeves is a bad actor and Paris Hilton is useless. Totally.

Finally, when I write a guest blog for another site that talks about how I read a Cosmo Magazine, it doesn’t mean I really read a Cosmo Magazine. It just means I used fiction in order to express my belief that magazines of that nature aren’t good for people (especially if said people are nice guys).

You all get the idea, I hope.

Kevin = Nice Guy

It’s math so simple, even Keanu and Paris can understand it.

Friday Four: My Favorite Blog Posts

It’s a little hard for me to believe, but I have been blogging now for a shade under 3 1/2 years.

It all began with a humble little Xanga site. Xanga begot a free WordPress blog, free WordPress blog begot a blog I opened with an ex-girlfriend, blog I opened with ex-girlfriend begot the free WordPress blog again, and free WordPress blog begot Special Kind of Stupid.

It has been a crazy ride full of laughter, stupidity, awesomeness and begots.

So, for this week’s Friday Four, I am going to list four of the favorite blog posts I have written. Long-time readers will already know these, but newer readers or readers who have never taken time to go through my archives could be seeing these for the first time. Either way, I hope you enjoy.

One

What Happened to The Dell Dude?

Overview:
In a story almost too sad to be true, the answer to the “What happened to that Dell dude?” question is answered.

Favorite Excerpt:
Cops, lawyers, and media members banded together in an effort to rid society of “Steven.” On February 9, 2003, Curtis was arrested for attempting to buy a small bag of marijuana.

“I was in my apartment taking a nap when some cops knocked down my front door, threw a bag of weed at me and shouted, ‘no we will not sell you marijuana!’”

Added Curtis, as he rummaged through a nearby garbage can, “I was framed.”

“It’s true,” responded arresting officer Frank Stallone. “We framed that boy good.”

Background Story:
Long before I began blogging, I remember being really, really annoyed with those Dell commercials with that “Steven” character. The day he was arrested for buying marijuana, which ultimately led to the end of those annoying commercials, was a happy day for me.

This blog post was written when I asked out loud, to no one in particular, “I wonder what happened to the annoying Dell Dude guy?” I’d like to think my recount is pretty darn close to the truth.

Two

Part One – Braves “Put Down” Pitcher, Tell Players He Went to Live on Farm

Part Two – Atlanta Braves to Face Brain Eating Zombie

Overview, Part One:
In an act of mercy, the Atlanta Braves have put pitcher Mark Redman to sleep.

Overview, Part Two:
One year after being put to sleep, Mark Redman is back to exact his revenge on the Atlanta Braves.

Favorite Excerpt, Part One:
“A few players asked us what we were talking about in our meeting, but once the pizza and clown arrived they quickly forgot all about it,” said pitching coach Roger McDowell.

Favorite Excerpt, Part Two:
In an act of self preservation, third baseman Chipper Jones is attempting to convince backup infielder Martin Prado that bathing in olive oil and oregano will help him become a better player.

“Martin’s young and doesn’t speak English very well, so I think I can get him to do it,” remarked Jones.

Background Story:
I wrote the original “Braves ‘Put Down’ Pitcher…” blog post after hearing the news the Braves had finally cut ties with pitcher Mark Redman, who was dreadful in his short time with the team. I have no clue where I came up with the idea of writing a fake news story stating Redman had been euthanized by the team. It just struck me as funny at the time.

Well, a year later, Redman was set to pitch AGAINST the Braves as a member of the Colorado Rockies. Even though literally no one would have brought it up or even cared, I decided I needed to write a follow-up blog post that explained how a pitcher I wrote had been put to sleep was somehow able to pitch again. My solution: He’s a zombie.

Three

Twins Reunited by Awesome Dude and Awesome Dude’s Brother

Overview:
Identical twins, born nearly two years apart, have finally been reunited.

Favorite Excerpt:
After a few more email exchanges, Tim and Kevin came to the realization that Heath and Matt were two different people. “Naturally, we came to the only logical conclusion anyone could make in such a situation,” said Kevin.

“Matt and Heath were identical twins who needed to be reunited.”

Background Story:
Back in my Xanga blogging days, there was a fellow Xangan who commented frequently at my site by the name of Matt Birnie. One day, I wrote a blog post about him. That post included a photo of Matt that he had put on his own Xanga site. Well, my brother read this one day and asked about it. He wondered where I’d found the photo. When I asked him why, he explained that it looked exactly like a friend of his by the name of Heath Clark.

My brother showed Heath the picture of Matt, and he took a picture of himself doing the same pose as Matt did in his picture. Heath gave it to my brother, who gave it to me. I took it and used it to write the work of fiction Twins Reunited by Awesome Dude and Awesome Dude’s Brother. This is quite possibly the favorite thing I’ve ever written.

Four

God Answers Critics, Sentences Paris Hilton to Jail

Overview:
To once and for all prove His existence, God sends Paris Hilton to jail.

Favorite Excerpt:
“I was so certain God didn’t exist, but this has completely altered my outlook,” remarked atheist Dan Ryder of Omaha, Nebraska.

“God is real. And He is awesome.”

Background Story:
Paris Hilton was being sent to prison. I was ecstatic and had to write something about it. What I settled on was the idea that EVERYONE in the world was ecstatic about it, and that everyone would be thanking God for her incarceration. That quickly shifted to the idea where God was responsible for sending her to prison because He wanted to prove to everyone He really existed.

And there you have it. Four of my favorite blog posts of past 3.33 or so years. I hope you enjoyed them half as much as I enjoyed writing them. Considering how overly enamored I sometimes am with my own work, I realize this hope might be a tad optimistic. But I digress.

So, what do YOU think of these old blog posts? Are you reading them for the first time? Have you already read them over and over? Would you like me to point out some more favorites of mine to save you the hassle of having to go through all my archives? As usual, please leave a comment or two or ten! It’s very much appreciated.

Why Do You Need $360 Billion in Singles?

Today’s installment of Dear Reader goes out to my new best friend from Baton Rouge, Louisiana. At 2:03 am EST on July 28, 2008, this special visitor stumbled upon this site after typing the following into a search engine:

“can i get 360 billion in singles”

A big thanks to Google for referring this very wealthy individual, who I hope will show his gratitude for the advice I’m about to give by putting me in his will.

Dear Reader,

Thank you for visiting my site. As one would expect from a person of your upbringing and immense wealth, you demand the best life has to offer. You drive only the finest cars, you wear only the finest clothes, you drink only the finest beverages (i.e. Coke Zero), and you read only the finest blogs.

I don’t believe it’s an exaggeration in the least for me to say you could not have possibly come to a better place for assistance with your question. I am at your service.

But first, an obvious question of my own:

Why do you need $360 billion in singles??

I don’t mean to pry, but your reasoning is needed so I can know what advice to give you.

Are you planning on going to a strip club? I have never been to such an establishment, but I’m not going to rain on your parade if you believe it’s a worthwhile place to spend your time. That said, I think you might be tipping the “ladies” a tad too much.

Are you going to Vegas to play dollar slot machines? If so, I take it you have a gambling problem. That’s too bad, man. I’m sorry. I really, really wish there was something I could do to help.

Wait, I just remembered. Every Friday night I host a meeting for gambling addicts at my home. Sometimes, just to prove we have beaten our addiction, we play poker. If you’d like to come by, I think we could fit you in at our table. Just be sure to bring a drink with you (Coke Zero, preferably), a snack to eat (pretzels will be fine), and your $360 billion. We’ll have lots of fun. Promise.

Did your girlfriend break up with you and you’re trying to win her back by showing up at her front door and burning your money — $1 at a time — to show her you’ve changed? Take it from me, my friend, you cannot argue your way out of “dumped.” Oh sure, I suppose you CAN, but do you really want to? Why would you want to be with someone who needs convincing in order to be with you?

My friend, there are too many girls in the world to waste your time obsessing about the one that got away. Even if you were the one to blame for the breakup, don’t give her the satisfaction. Meet someone new. Visit a country in Europe. Read the archives here at SKOS. Whatever you do, don’t burn your money. If you want to get rid of it, give it to me. I’ll leave work and drive to Baton Rouge right this minute. I’m serious.

Has someone kidnapped a loved one and demanded $360 billion in ransom money? First of all, I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you’re able to get your loved one back as soon as humanly possible. Secondly, that’s a very good decision to search Google for ideas rather than contact the authorities. You definitely don’t want to get the authorities involved. Thirdly, do you have any idea how big a suitcase you would need if you had $360 billion singles? At the very least, get the cash in tens or twenties. Fourthly and finally, if I don’t get the money within 24 hours, you’ll never see your pet hamster again.

I hope this helps, my new best friend. I know I didn’t ACTUALLY answer your question, but that’s simply because I’m not a banker and have no clue if it’s actually possible to have that much money in singles. I could ask a banker for you, if you want?

All I ask for in return is $1 billion.

Kev

Can any of you think of some other scenarios where my new best friend might need $360 billion in singles? If so, leave a comment or two or ten. Just don’t be believing that you’re going to get your dirty hands on my friend’s money. Stay away, you jackals. I found him first!

Friday Four: Reasons I’d Be A Good President (Part Deux)

After the overwhelmingly positive response I received when I explored the possibility of my becoming President of the United States, I decided to pray on the matter. Shortly thereafter, I received a bad blog review where I was accused of being boorish, cruel, smug and vain by one reader. These sound bad, but they are excellent qualities for a President to possess. Still, I clearly needed to blog about this subject a while longer before making my decision.

So, for this week’s Friday Four, I am going to list four more reasons I probably would be an excellent President of the United States. There will surely be many, many more reasons to follow in the future.

One

Since I’m not yet married, rulers of other countries will probably try to set me up with their daughters.

Mind you, I don’t say this because I think I’m a super great catch or anything. But, since I would be in a position of power, it is reasonable to expect rulers of other countries will want to “get in good” with me. And what better way for them to do that than getting me to become a member of their family?

Just imagine how much better our country’s relationship with Canada would be if I was dating the daughter or granddaughter of… whomever it is that rules Canada.

Two

I am frugal, organized and wise with money.

Our national debt is ginormous. As a country, we have more money going out than we have coming in. This simply will not do. America needs to live within its means. It needs to cut out excess spending. It needs financial peace!

It needs Dave Ramsey.

If I became President, I would require every member of Congress to enroll in Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University. These people will learn how to manage money. And every U.S. Citizen will be given a free copy of Ramsey’s book, The Total Money Makeover.

Those citizens who cannot read will be given one-way, business-class ticket to Canada. Why Canada? Because I’ll be pretending to date the ruler’s daughter or granddaughter, and he will owe me a favor.

Three

I would blog every day.

Can you imagine how enjoyable it would be to have a President who blogged every day about his life? You would be able to leave him comments, and he would visit your blog and leave you comments. Your voice would be heard. You’d be able to make a difference in the world.

Also, imagine how jealous your friends would be if the President of the United States had your website on his blogroll.

Four

I would change the driving laws so that 18 was the age where one could get their learner’s permit and 21 was the age where they could get their actual license.

Why? You know why, people. Teenagers cannot drive.

They don’t pay attention to what they are doing. They drive too fast. They don’t know how to break properly. They don’t know how to accelerate properly. They don’t know how to park. They don’t know what to do at a four-way stop. They talk on their cell phones while they drive. They text message while they drive. They play with the radio while they drive. They honk at people they know while they drive. They dress ridiculously and talk incoherently.

I know that last sentence really has nothing to do with their driving abilities, but it needed to be said.

And there you have it. Indisputable proof that I would make a wicked awesome President of the United States.

So, what do YOU think of these ideas? Should I seriously consider running for President some day? Who amongst you would support me, vote for me, and tell me I’m handsome and smart? Leave a comment or two or ten!

Prince Attacked, Assailant Still At Large

ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA – Fans of music, diminutive celebrities, the color purple, and pants with the butt cut out of them were shocked by the news Prince (pictured) was savagely beaten over the weekend near his home in Minneapolis.

The 5’2 tall singer of such hits as “1999,” “When Doves Cry” and “I am a Little T-pot” was playing on the merry-go-round at a local park when he was approached by an unidentified assailant wearing snake skin cowboy boots and tapered jeans.

“The guy looked like he was asking for his autograph or something,” said witness Lowell Mather. “Next thing you know he had picked Prince up by his feet and started spinning him round and round. I didn’t know what to make of it all.”

Other witnesses to the attack were equally baffled as to what they were witnessing.

“At first, I thought they were playing,” fellow witness Roy Biggins remarked.

“When he threw Prince in the air, I thought he was going to catch him. He had his arms stretched out and everything. But then he pulled his arms back at the last second and Prince fell to the ground head first. Then he began kicking him. It was awful.”

As the assailant pulled rubber bands out of his pocket and began shooting them at the helpless singer, bystanders began to wonder if they should break up the squabble.

“Hindsight is 20/20, but I honestly thought they were playing a game,” said Antonio Scarpacci, a taxi cab driver with a clear view of the attack.

“The guy kept saying something about how this would make a great post for his blog. I think he was, how do you say, smoking the pot.”

Asked for comment as he was leaving the emergency room, a bruised Prince replied, “I just don’t understand what took those idiots so long to get that guy off of me.

“What were they waiting for?! The guy was shooting freakin’ rubber bands at me!”

Police have released the following sketch drawing (left) of the unidentified assailant. He is described as a dashingly handsome, fashion savvy man in his late 20s. He can be identified by a very smug-looking smile, a boorish attitude, and his tendency to take pictures with his head tilted sideways.

If you have any information on this case, please contact the authorities at 1-800-555-KEVDIDIT.

The above is a repost (and slight revision) of the very first “fake news” story I ever wrote. It originally debuted at my old blog on May 31, 2006.

Bad Review

Because I have a tendency to over analyze things, I have often wondered how I’ve managed to escape ridicule or criticism with what I sometimes write about here at SKOS. As I explained to a friend just last week:

“You know, I know, and those who have been reading my blog for a while know the kind of person I am. They are in on the joke. But I’m amazed that someone hasn’t read a random post or two of mine, had no idea of the context or my style of writing, and left me a spiteful comment saying I am ‘smug’ or something.”

I should have “knocked on wood” after saying this, because on July 17th a user at Stumble Upon had this review for my Friday Four: Things That Bug Me post:

“The website’s author is boorish and I fail to find any humor in his somewhat cruel, smug, and self important rants. A waste of precious stumble time.”

Had it not been for the 500+ new visitors who were referred to my site on July 17th from Stumble Upon, I would not have had any idea this review even existed. When the curiosity bug bit me, I discovered the review.

In the immortal words of Jerry Maguire: “Don’t worry, I’m not gonna do what you all think I’m gonna do, which is, you know, FLIP OUT!!!

No, I’m not going to do that. As is my way, I am going to calmly and coolly address this person’s criticism in a mature and decidedly non-boorish fashion.

Dear Stumble Upon Guy,

You are a poo-poo head.

I know it wasn’t your intent, but thank you for referring so many new visitors to my site last week. For approximately 1/500 of a second, I questioned myself and asked if there was an ounce of truth to your review. Thankfully, I quickly realized that no, no there wasn’t.

You do not know me. You did not spend any amount of real time reading my archives to get a true sense of who I am and who I am not. You have no clue.

You say I’m boorish? Well, is it boorish to write about telling small children Santa won’t be bringing them Christmas presents this year? Is it boorish to write an open-letter to lazy parents telling them to teach their children proper etiquette? Is it boorish to eat spaghetti with your bare hands?

You say I’m smug? Well, is it smug to refer to yourself as “awesome” 84 times a day? Is it smug to write a blog post outlining reasons you’d be a good President? Is it smug to open a speech in front of an auditorium full of people with, “yes ladies, I’m single?” Is it smug to write how you actually look good when you sneeze?

You say I’m cruel? Well, is it cruel to threaten people with a bag of oranges? Is it cruel to tell a criminal he’s probably too stupid for a life of crime? Is it cruel to refer to someone’s laugh as “a laugh that makes me pray for the sweet release of death?” Is it cruel to punch kittens?

You say I write self-important rants? Well, is it vain to write about your wicked, awesome immune system? Is it vain to write about your great sense of fashion? Is it vain to write about your having one or more stalkers? Is it vain to think Carley Simon was singing about you even though you weren’t yet born?

I think I’ve proved my point.

Sincerely,

kev

Most all of you know the above letter is just me being silly. A few will swear I am being serious, and a few more will fail to find any of it funny. But that’s okay. This site is not for them. It’s for you.

Do I sometimes criticize celebrities and nameless idiots in my writing? Yes. And, when you’re sarcastic and have a dry sense of humor, some people will take offense to those criticisms. These are usually the same people who (*cough*) have no problems dispensing criticisms of their own, but that’s a topic for another day.

However, these criticisms do not make me boorish. They do not make me smug. They do not make me cruel, and they do not make me vain.

No, they make me a-w-e-s-o-m-e.

I’ll stick my neck out on the line and ask: Do any of YOU think my writing is boorish, cruel, smug or vain? Leave me a comment or two or ten with your thoughts. Please be gentle.

Friday Four: Reasons I’d Be A Good President

In the comments section of a recent blog post, the notion of my becoming President of the United States began to gain momentum. Now, I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t the first time people suggested I run for President. I cannot so much as go to the grocery store without someone walking up to me, smiling and saying, “I would so totally vote for you!”

Because I am a giver, I suppose I should at least explore the idea of my someday running for President. So, for this week’s Friday Four, I am going to list four reasons I probably would be an excellent President of the United States. There will surely be many, many more reasons to follow in the future.

One

I was a teacher for three years, so I know how to deal with immature people.

The Senate and House of Representatives would be child’s play compared to a room full of 14 year olds. In school, half the students hate your guts. The same would be true with our partisan government.

Now, if Presidents had the power to give members of Congress detention, I’d be made in the shade…

Two

Interns don’t do anything for me.

With me in the White House, you wouldn’t have to worry about any shenanigans ala William Jefferson Clinton. In fact, I will go so far as placing a “No Girls Allowed” sign on my office and bedroom doors.

If that doesn’t keep them away, my water gun filled with hot sauce surely will.

Three

I would immediately declare war on France.

We’re all tired of them. Am I right? Who’s with me??

Four

I would begin drilling for oil in Canada.

Forget Alaska, we have a large resource immediately north of us. Gas prices haven’t gotten absolutely ridiculous. And, as the resident bully in North America, we shouldn’t be afraid of hurting Canada’s feelings. We should go in, tell the Mounties to step aside, and begin drilling for oil anywhere we please.

Frankly, Canada should be grateful we didn’t called dibs on their land years ago.

And there you have it. Indisputable proof that I would make an awesome, awesome President of the United States.

So, what do YOU think of my ideas? Should I seriously consider running in 2012? Who amongst you would support me, vote for me, and tell me I’m handsome and smart? Leave a comment or two or ten!