Category Archives: Blog

“The Blog.” Musings and meandering thoughts on whatever strikes me as amusing or interesting at a particular moment. There is no rhyme or reason to the posts you will find here. Trust me.

Hey everybody! Let’s give that Obama guy our support!

by Barry Jones, regular guy

Hello, my fellow U.S. citizens! As a regular Joe who is most definitely not the president wearing a fake mustache meant to disguise his identity so he can manipulate your trust, I thought I would share something that’s been on my mind.

Call me overly patriotic, but I think we should all stop our bipartisan bickering and support that handsome Barack Obama guy!

His critics on the right like to point out all the things I haven’t he hasn’t accomplished since taking office, but what about the the things he has accomplished?

Who was the first sitting president to appear on a daytime talk show?

That’s right, Obama!

Who spent countless hours and energy in an attempt to win his hometown city of Chicago the 2016 Olympics and almost succeeded in doing so?

Obama!

Who sued the state of Arizona for foolishly thinking it had the right to create illegal-immigration laws for itself?

OBAMA!

Who blessed each and every taxpayer with the opportunity of giving for their country thanks to his numerous tax-funded stimulus packages that [crosses fingers behind back] fixed our ailing economy?

OooBAMA!

Who won the Nobel Peace Prize for his numerous…um, hmmm…actually, I’m not sure why I he won the Nobel. He must have done something grand, though. The Nobel committee doesn’t give prizes to just anyone.

OBAMA!

Who has made it his personal mission to unburden women who have human-like parasites growing inside them?

OBABABABAMA!

Who, except for those occasions where someone has the audacity to disagree with him, has single-handedly rid the world of racism?

ObbbbbbBAMA!

Look, I’m just an average citizen with a glorious mustache who can’t get enough of the Barackster! The Barackinator! The Barackattack!

Come on, everybody. Repeat after me!

O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A!

[long pause]

I am not Barack Obama.

Stop replying to all telling people to stop replying to all!

I work for a Fortune 500 company that has thousands of employees stretched out all over the world. We have scientists, engineers, technology specialists, retired military and more sharp minds than you can shake a stick at (if you were ever, for some reason, inclined to do so).

But if one employee accidentally sends an e-mail to every employee in the company, we turn into imbeciles the likes of which the world has never seen.

Continue reading

Disney to build ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ ride based on the movies based on the ride

ORLANDO, FL – With a movie trilogy that’s taken in almost $3 billion worldwide and a fourth film, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, currently in production, the Walt Disney World Resort has announced it has begun construction on a “Pirates of the Caribbean” theme park ride that will be based on the films, which were based on a theme park ride.

“The huge success of the movies, after the huge success of our original theme park ride, shows us people clearly cannot get enough of the ‘Pirates’ franchise,” explained Disney spokesperson Andy Dale.

“A new theme park ride based on the theme-park-inspired movies was a no-brainer.”

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Movie Ride will let patrons experience what it’s like to watch the “Pirates” films in a realistic, modern-day movie theatre.

“It’s an immersive, larger-than-life adventure that is so realistic, you’ll almost swear you were in a real theatre watching a real movie,” exclaimed Dale.

Upon entering the indoor ride, guests will get in line to buy their “movie ticket.” Once they have their ticket, they will go to a large lobby filled with dozens of arcade games and a giant concession stand. Later, they will give their ticket to an usher and sit down in a comfortable, theatre-styled chair that contains — not one, but — two cup holders.¬†After the lights dim, a realistic-looking movie curtain will open. Guests will then be treated to twenty minutes of previews for fictional movies starring Tim Allen.

Then the real fun begins.

“We invested more than $500 million in the research and development of the next generation of Audio-Animatronics,” said Dale. “The robotics used in the original ‘Pirates’ ride was improved by leaps and bounds. The result is a Captain Jack Sparrow that looks exactly like Johnny Depp. An Elizabeth Swann that looks exactly like Keira Knightly. A Norrington that looks exactly like…whoever it is that portrayed Norrington.”

The results will be breathtaking.

A “movie” featuring Disney’s state-of-the-art Audio-Animatronics will reenact classic scenes from the three “Pirates of the Caribbean” films. Patrons will be treated to voice actors who sound very similar to the real actors who portrayed the characters in the films.

“The guy who voices the Jack Sparrow robot sounds like he could be Johnny Depp’s brother,” beamed Dale.

Only the character Will Turner, portrayed by actor Orlando Bloom in the three films, will forgo Audio-Animatronics in favor of an actual human being. Bloom will reprise his role for Pirates of the Caribbean: The Movie Ride, and he will also serve as an usher.

“Work is work,” explained Bloom.

My Fellow Castaways

As we approach the 21st moon since you elected me your island ruler, I know many of you have concerns regarding the state of our great island. And I know many of you, when it comes time to choose the members of our next island council, plan on expressing your concerns by placing your ceremonial voting rocks inside the huts of those who oppose me.

Good people, hear me now: It’s not my fault.

Lest any of you forget, I inherited the numerous issues currently plaguing our dear island. I, your dear and flawless leader, am merely a victim. My predecessor has been, and always will be, responsible for our island’s plights, whether they technically happened during his time in power or not.

Under who’s watch did our food shortage begin? Under my predecessor’s, of course. It was he who sat in the mighty bamboo chair when the rain gods refused to cry on us for four straight moons. Clearly, the rain gods did not approve of his political platform.

My critics like to point out how, once I became ruler, I only made our food shortage worse by giving half our harvest, as well the first born son of everyone who opposed me, to the god that lives inside our island’s volcano.

I suppose my critics would prefer we all burn in a stream of molten lava!

Besides, if my predecessor had not refused to even acknowledge the volcano god’s existence, much less his almighty lava powers, I would not have had to give him all our precious, precious food.

Our ongoing war with those who inhabit “The Forbidden Zone” is another hot-button-shaped issue. My critics like to dwell on the fact I have not ended the war like I promised I would do. How quickly these critics forget I wouldn’t have had to make promises I had no intention of keeping if my predecessor had not retaliated when “The Others” attacked us with bows and arrows while we were sleeping soundly beneath the shelter we built with debris from our fallen plane.

Had he simply let bygones be bygones, this war would have ended before it even started. Plus, with the large number of castaways who surely would have been killed due to our enemies’ misinterpretation of “we surrender” as an aggressive call to arms, our current shortage of food wouldn’t be nearly as daunting.

The sinking of the rescue boat we built, as well as the lost lives of the four castaways who were manning the boat, is another issue for which my critics like to point blame my way.

What they conveniently forget is the “let’s build a boat so we can be rescued” idea happened long before I came to rule. The rescue boat was my predecessor’s pet project. It was his debacle. I was simply the person who happened to be in charge for its first, and last, voyage.

Critics like to say the boat would not have sank had my devoted followers not “borrowed” essential pieces of the boat in an effort to build a statue of my likeness, but these are deceitful lies. My followers found those boat-like items in the jungle, next to a pineapple tree. To doubt their truthfulness is to defile the memories of those four brave men who shouted, “who stole the rope that was holding together the bow and stern?!” before drowning at sea.

I could go on, but I believe I’ve made my point. Nothing that has happened during these past twenty-one moons is my fault, and neither I nor my allies on the island council deserve to be held accountable, err, I mean responsible.

The poison mushrooms incident…

The using of the last flare in our flare gun when I couldn’t find my pineapple because it was too dark…

The giving of the OTHER half of our harvest to the “giant hole in ground” god…

The bailout of Banana Street…

Aren’t we all just a little tired of the blame game? I know I am.

Besides, none of it’s my fault.

Zombie (dream) land

As I’ve discussed a time or two or three, I rarely dream. And, when I do dream, I rarely remember. And when I do dream and I do remember, my dream is almost always weird.

(Insert segue here.)

People are turning into zombies! Or, at least they were in my dream last night.

I was in a nondescript city for some kind of convention. With me were a wide assortment of people from my past and present. All my friends from high school were there. My friends from church were there. One of my brothers was there. And a certain woman, [name omitted], was there.

We were all in a building when things began to go awry.

And by “awry” I mean “one of my friends from high school was attacked by a zombie.”

Chaos ensued.

People in my dream reacted the way you would expect people to react when trapped in a building in a nondescript city whose citizens are turning into zombies.

People panicked. Some tried to make a run for it. Some people just hid in closets, which was probably a wise move.

Me? Well, somehow I had a futuristic gun of some sort. It could kill zombies if I shot them in the face. Unfortunately, the gun wasn’t always reliable. Much like an old car you have trouble starting, this gun didn’t always shoot its laser when I pushed its button. Because of this, I distinctly remember being angry with my gun on numerous occasions.

My goal in the dream was to keep all my friends together and safe. However, several people, including [name omitted], somehow got separated from the group. I led a search party to find [name omitted], but that of course led to everyone in my search party being killed by zombies.

All of us who remained barricaded ourselves in a room. It was only a matter of time before we would be overtaken.

My gun was no longer with me, but I don’t recall what happened to it. Most likely, I became so disgusted with it I threw it away. As we were now trapped like rats with no weapons to speak of, this was a regrettable decision on my part.

A friend then handed me a handwritten note my mom had written me. Apparently, the zombie outbreak was happening everywhere. How this friend obtained this letter defies all logic, but then again we’re talking about a dream in which I am fighting zombies.

After reading the note, I began to cry. Then I woke up.

Things I learned from this dream:

1 Never throw away your futuristic gun, no matter how unreliable it is, when the world is being attacked by zombie-like creatures.

2 If you’re ever in a nondescript city with [name omitted], don’t let her wander off when zombies begin their attack. It will only lead to the death of everyone in your search party.

3 Just like you should never cry in front of a woman, never cry in front of a zombie. They will lose all respect for you. Granted, my dream ended before any zombie saw me crying, but I’m pretty sure their reaction would have been one of disdain.

And yes, this was my actual dream last night. If you’re wondering what I ate last night, that had nothing to do with it. The mushrooms that grow in my backyard are perfectly safe.

Headlines!

Have you ever read a news headline and, based solely on the wording in the headline, had random thoughts or rhetorical questions pop into your head?

For example, Yahoo’s homepage has a headline entitled, “What your desk says about you.” Now, I knew the article was going to be about how a disorganized desk indicates you are disorganized to others (and other such things), but in my head I thought:

“What’s that no good son of a gun been saying about me?? It’s a lie, I tell you. A lie!”

For the amusing (to me) headline, “Wrong way to cover a sneeze,” I thought:

“Well, if grabbing a stranger’s jacket and using it as a tissue is wrong, I don’t want to be right.”

When I read the “Twist in missing scientist case” headline, I thought:

“If the twist is the scientist was a ghost the entire time, I totally saw it coming. In your face, M. Night Shyamalan!”

The “Obama hits new low in poll” headline made me get creative:

“I am totally going to make ‘that is like kicking an Obama when he is down’ the new, hip catchphrase. No one will talk about kicking downed horses anymore. I’m bringing silly metaphors into the 21st century!”

When I gazed upon the insipid “Is Kim Kardashian dating NFL’s Austin?” headline, I thought:

“That is incredibly uninteresting.”

(Hey, they can’t all be winners.)

For the trying-to-be-helpful headline, “How to avoid underripe fruit,” I thought:

“Ask the fruit how old it is. Duh.”

The career-finance headline “5 crucial tips for getting ahead” made me think:

“Follow the Headless Horseman around. Maybe he’ll give you one of his trophies.”

“Signs of fear in a company,” another headline from Yahoo, made me think:

“When the cleaning lady turns on the vacuum cleaner, everyone either screams or passes out.”

The “Scientist believes gravity doesn’t exist” headline made me theorize the following:

“However, Scientist totally believes in global warming. ‘Al Gore’ is a god,’ exclaimed the scientist after putting on a hat made out of tinfoil.”

I’ll see if I can find any others. Have YOU had any amusing thoughts after reading any headlines?

Like a Caveman!

“I desperately need to do laundry. These (ones I’m wearing) are the last clean clothes I own. I’m having to wear boxers like a caveman!”
- Yours truly, this past Saturday

Comparing things to the days of cavemen is something I do fairly often. This past weekend, it was boxers. Seriously, now that boxer briefs exist, why haven’t boxers and briefs ceased to be? Is it nostalgia? If so, nostalgia is stupid.

Last Thanksgiving, I dismissed my mom’s recommendation that I make my green bean casserole using canned green beans in the following manner:

“CANNED green beans?! Do you WANT to have Thanksgiving the way cavemen used to have it?”

One time, in college, I asked someone if I could borrow a pencil. When they handed me a #2 pencil instead of a mechanical one, I responded:

“Thanks, but do you really expect me to take this computer test like a caveman?!”

When someone asks me if I’m on MySpace, I ask them if I look like a prehistoric man. If a waitress tells me they only serve Pepsi products, I ask her if the restaurant deliberately chose to only cater to cavemen, or if it was just an unfortunate accident. If I’m camping, and someone asks me to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, I ask them if they would also like me to set traps for dinosaurs.

I could go on, but you get the idea.

I’m funny.

Just like a caveman.

A nonsensical rant about phones

As I’ve mentioned the past few days here at my blog and at Twitter, I am in the market for a new cell phone. Officially, there is no rush since my current phone, though slowly dying a slow death, is somewhat functional. By that I mean, if someone calls me, I can answer.

Unofficially, I need to find a new phone before my current one explodes or eats itself or does something similarly catastrophic. The thing is a ticking time bomb. I’m completely serious. It scares me. [Help.]

Numerous people have told me it is taking too long for me to pick a new phone. “Just go buy an iPhone,” said my brother, an iPhone lover. “What do you have against iPhones,” asked my mom, also an iPhone lover.

“Make up your mind and buy a phone already,” suggested one friend. When I responded by saying I was doing my due diligence, this same quick-witted friend informed me that I’ve “passed due diligence and are quickly careening into indecisiveness!”

Another friend asked me if I was this indecisive about everything, and if I’d be this way when deciding whether or not to propose to whomever turns out to be “the one”?

Very funny, people. I’ll have you know I’m the most decisive person on the planet! (Stop laughing. Why are you laughing?)

The reason for this is I usually think through scenarios long before they happen. And when they happen, if they happen, I already know how I want to react.

For example, do you know what you would say if you were suddenly in the presence of Barack Obama? ‘Cause I do. “Where is your teleprompter,” I would ask him. Then I would say, “boom…roasted” before turning and walking away.

You see, I’ve already thought about this. The rest of you might stand there awestruck, trying to think of just the right thing to say (or just the right blunt object to throw at him), but not me. I already know.

Okay, I know some of you are probably confused.

If I think through scenarios before they happen, if I really know what I want and am decisive, why haven’t I already figured out which phone to buy?

Excellent question. You see, well, before my phone began to die its slow death, I…well, never gave even a passing thought to what cell phone I wanted next.

I am not a phone person.

I. AM. NOT. A. PHONE. PERSON.

I dislike, with a passion, talking on the phone. It irritates me. Not counting immediate members of my family, there have been exactly three people during my lifetime that I actually enjoyed talking to on the phone.

Three.

For anyone else, if I’m on the phone with you for longer than two minutes, I’m looking outside a window during our conversation, contemplating whether or not to drop my phone and run to freedom. Where do I imagine I will run to? Oh, I don’t know. Someplace magical. Someplace without phones.

But I digress.

In the four years since I last purchased a phone, technology has changed by leaps and bounds. It is absolutely insane the things phones can do these days. Can they stop time? Can they shoot lazers? Can they massage my shoulders? Heck, it wouldn’t surprise me if they could. These phones seem capable of practically anything.

And given the changes, and given the fact I haven’t been following the phone fads the past four years, perhaps now you all can understand the need for my due diligence. I need time to sort through all the information!

No?

You still need convincing?

Okay, imagine, if you will, a guy who is waking up from a coma. He’s been asleep for years and years and years. And during that time, the female gender ceased to exist. Now, there only exists men…and robots dressed up as women.

Now, imagine asking this recently-comatose patient to go out and pick a mate. It would be tough wouldn’t it? He’d need time to process all the changes that have taken place since he was last out there on the dating scene.

What color robot would he like? How tall would he like his robot? Does he want a robot made in China or America?

Does he want a robot with super strength? Such a skill would come in handy if they ever crossed paths with a mugger, but what happens if the robot ever malfunctions and starts shouting “INTRUDER ALERT” when he steps out of the bathroom?

Now, obviously, if such a scenario actually took place the coma guy would choose the robot with the best legs. The rest wouldn’t matter. But for the purpose of this analogy, let’s pretend the guy would need at least a week or two to figure out what he wanted.

That’s where I am right now.

I am a recently-awakened coma patient who has discovered women have been replaced with robots.

Quite honestly, if you look at it that way, you all should be happy if I ever buy a new phone.

Tell me why…

Why aren’t all men’s shirts made out of wrinkle-free material? Do they think we like to iron? ‘Cause we don’t.

Why hasn’t someone figured out a way to plant GPS devices inside socks so we can finally learn what happens to them when they inevitably disappear?

Why, if I want to buy a cell phone that has a high-quality camera (high enough quality that I have no need for a real camera), do I have to buy a phone with all sorts of extra gizmos, gadgets and applets that require me paying $15 a month extra to AT&T for a “data plan” I’ll never use? I don’t need Internet access. I don’t need GPS. I don’t need games. I just need a durable phone that can handle calls, send and receive text messages, and possesses a 5 megapixel (or higher) camera with flash! What’s so hard about that?!

Why, if I’m not getting weird (to me) veggies like cucumbers and carrots on my sandwich at Subway (even though I’m entitled to them at no extra charge), can’t I get extra tomatoes or provolone cheese without paying more money? Work with me on this, Subway, or I will start loading up my sandwiches with every vegetable you offer. And then I’m going to go straight to one of your trash bins and pick off the veggies I don’t like. I’ll do it, too. Just try me.

Why doesn’t a barber/stylist, after cutting your hair, remove the loose hair from your earlobes? Seriously, you get a brush to remove the loose hair from my neck and face. Some of you even wash my hair afterward to do a more thorough job of hair removal. You do all that, but you don’t bother dealing with the loose hair on my earlobes? You know it’s there. You can see it. Plus, you get haircuts yourselves, so you know this is a problem. Help a guy out! Or, at the very least, go get me a cotton swab or damp towel so I can take care of it myself. I’ll be deducting this oversight from your tip, of course.


“No, I will not cut down my bushes. They serve a valuable purpose.”

Why do neighbors with pets tend to think neighbors without pets are somehow responsible for their flea/tick problems? “No, I will not trim back the bushes that separate our properties. I have a swimming pool and I appreciate the privacy these bushes provide me. However, I will gladly, again, sprinkle sevin-dust on these bushes and around the border of my property. Oh, but don’t misunderstand. I’m doing this for my benefit. If your dogs have fleas, I’d like to keep said fleas off my property. Hope you have a great week. Talk to you next Saturday, when, inevitably, we will have this exact same conversation.”

Why can some people not understand the notion that if you’re cold you can always put something on, but if you’re hot there is only so much you can take off? This is especially true in the work environment. It’s 100 degrees outside. You’re cold because the A/C is set to 74 degrees? You know what? Tough. Your “cold” issue can easily be remedied with a blanket or hot cup of coffee. Our “it’s blistering hot” issue can only be remedied by lowering the A/C or wearing bathing suits to work. Hmmm. That’s a tough one. If only it was obvious which party was being unreasonable.


“No, YOU are an embarrassment. Next question.”

Why does Obama still have that arrogant, pompous demeanor every time he speaks? His continuing to do so, after all that’s happened the past year and a half in office, is akin to the school bully continuing to strut around campus after all the nerds had formed an alliance, beaten him up, stripped him naked in the middle of the cafeteria and forced him to drink his own tears as fellow students (and even teachers) recorded the event and posted it on YouTube.