When you are as amazingly amazing as yours truly, finding ways to challenge yourself can be, well, a challenge.
I’ve practically done it all.
Seen the world? Yep, I’ve seen both Florida and Alabama.
Perfected a skill? I don’t want to brag, but I do have a “Best Defense” baseball award from my sophomore year of high school sitting at home.
Been to a musical on Broadway? Well, no, but I HAVE seen the movie Greece. And just this weekend I watched Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog on Netflix.
Kissed a girl? Well, a gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell. But yes. Yes I have.
As you can see, “been there done that” might as well be my life’s catchphrase. Still, every so often an idea for something new pops into this devilishly-handsome thing I call a head.
“I have never gone an entire week without eating solid food.”
Okay, sure, there was that whole “when I was a baby” period where I didn’t eat solid food. I’m pretty sure that doesn’t count, though. Besides, how can I be certain I didn’t eat solid food when I was a newborn? Were my parents watching me 24/7? How do I know for sure that I didn’t wake up in the middle of the night, crawl out of my crib and order a pizza? You telling me a two-month old Kevin couldn’t have figured out how to dial the number for Pizza Hut while his parents were asleep at 3 AM?
Anyway, I accepted the challenge. Operation: Liquid Diet was underway.
Actually, I accepted the challenge a week ago. Last Monday, on day one, mitigating circumstances forced me to temporarily abort the mission around 6:45 in the evening. You see, there was a packet of Ramen Noodles in my cabinet that I was fairly certain had neared its expiration date.
“I can’t let this go to waste,” I told myself. “That would be…wasteful!”
And so, I cooked the packet of Ramen Noodles and ate it. However, the intense hunger pains I had been feeling was NOT the reason I went off the liquid diet. No, it was my commitment not to be wasteful. That was the sole reason.
The next day, Tuesday, I began anew. And to my not-in-the-least-bit surprise, it was fairly easy.
A wide variety of juices became my friends. Acai Mixed Berry. Blueberry Pomegrante. Grape. All are 100% juice with no sugar added, of course. I also began to embrace something called “V8 Fusion Light”, with its mixture of both fruit and vegetable juices.
Milk with a spoonful of whey protein became my go-to meal. Green tea and water never left my side throughout the day.
As crazy as it sounds, I was getting more protein and vitamins drinking liquids than I ever got eating solid foods. My energy skyrocketed. My skin’s complexion even improved. That one tiny wrinkle on my “I cannot believe he’s 32 years old” face evaporated.
Of course, then Sunday, Father’s Day, rolled around. We were having a family get-together at my house. We were going to swim in my pool and use the new outdoor, electric grill my siblings and I bought our dad for the special day.
It would have been rude for me not to have partaken in a hamburger. And grilled broccoli, squash and zucchini. And half of a sheet cake.*
*I am teasing about the cake. Cake is evil. I’m pretty sure Hitler was made out of cake.
I couldn’t have been rude, could I?
So, after five full days of no solid foods, day six saw me eat a hamburger and vegetables. And this means, of course, that the week must start over.
Today is day one. Again.
Nothing will deter me this time. Nothing will prevent me from completing my quest. Nothing will…
What’s that? Doughnuts in the break room?