Category Archives: Fake News

“Fake News.” Real news is sad and depressing. Fake news is hilarious. And sometimes sad and depressing.

sad_biden

Biden Beginning to Regret Not Voting for McCain

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A visibly-depressed Joe Biden has been seen wandering the halls of the White House mumbling “Barack is a tool” and “I should have voted for John (McCain).”

“Wouldn’t it be great,” Biden said to no one in particular, “if this was all just some sort of bad dream? Somebody slap me so I can wake up.”

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Obama Secures 2016′s World Hamburger Eating Championship for Chicago

CHICAGO, IL – After several days of intense negotiations, President Barack Obama has announced that he has secured Krystal Square Off XIII for the city of Chicago.

“It is with great pride that I announce my hometown, the greatest city on earth, Chicago, will have the eyes of the world watching it in 2016,” beamed Obama to a group of confused reporters, who nonetheless swooned with adoration.

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john316

Ritual Sacrifice Marred by Girl with John 3:16 Sign

The following is satire. In addition to referencing ritual sacrifice, it references both Sean Penn AND Whoopi Goldberg. Reader discretion is advised.

NANTUCKET ISLAND, MA – On the heels of news that cheerleaders at a Georgia high school had to be banned from displaying signs with Bible verses comes a similar, but even more disturbing incident.

On Tuesday, a high school student interrupted a school-sanctioned ritual sacrifice and Satanic orgy by holding up a “John 3:16″ sign.

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Universities Implement Wicked Policies; The Evil Master is Pleased

MEDFORD, MASSACHUSETTS – On the heels of Tufts University’s decision to ban students from having sex in dorms if their roommates are present, colleges and universities all over the country have begun implementing the controversial policy.

To date, eighty-seven schools, a majority located in either California or the northeastern region of the United States, have implemented the “no sex in front of your roommate” policy.

“It’s about showing respect,” said Damien Thorn, spokesman for Tufts University as well as Lucifer, the evil master of Hell and tempter of mankind.

“If you want to have illicit sex, fine. If you want to shake your fist at God as you have sex out of wedlock with a stranger you only met ten minutes earlier in the parking lot, that’s your prerogative. And if you want to do all that while praising the evil master, wonderful.

“But for crying out loud, don’t do it in front of your roommate.”

In addition to the no-sex policy, schools have begun implementing additional “not in front of your roommate” policies.

New York University and Boston University, among others, have implemented a “do not convert your dorm into a methamphetamine lab in front of your roommate” policy. The universities of Ohio and Washington have implemented a “do not worship pagan gods in front of your roommate” policy. The University of Alabama has implemented a “do not steal from your roommate in front of your roommate” policy. And the University of Southern California has recently implemented a “do not murder anyone in front of your roommate” policy — a policy that has drawn the ire of USC alumnus, OJ Simpson.

“Look, we’re not trying to tell students how to live their lives,” explains Thorn.

“We have no desire to teach them morality. We don’t want to be their moral compass. Far, far from it. If anything, Tufts University, as well as most universities all over this country, if I’m being perfectly honest, wants to take that moral compass, spit on it and throw it into my master’s lake of fire.”

In keeping with that theme, Tufts University has just announced that an addendum has been added to its “don’t have sex in front of roommate” policy. The addendum:

When we say “don’t”, we really mean “do.”

“Your children are all going to Hell in hand baskets anyway,” added Thorn.

“Might as well send them to Tufts University. Our hand baskets are cushioned and smell like lemons.”

biden_sad

He’s All That (How Obama Won the Election)

CHICAGO, IL – Supporters of Barack Obama were left confused during Tuesday night’s victory celebration as Vice President-Elect Joe Biden stripped naked and ran across the stage while President-Elect Obama was speaking to the crowd of thousands.

Biden, still visibly embarrassed the following morning, explained the stunt was due to his having lost a bet to political commentator Keith Olbermann.

“It’s a long story,” noted Biden.

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Halloween Skankitis

It’s Halloween.

Time for pumpkins, kids in costumes, trick or treating, and candy. It is also time for the annual outbreak of what researchers have named “Halloween Skankitis.”

Halloween Skankitis is an epidemic that used to only inflict females between the ages of 18 and 35, but now reaches females of all ages.

It’s a disease that infects woman who are oftentimes perfectly normal the rest of the year.

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lazy_student

Welcome to Socialism 101

Did everyone get a copy of the syllabus? Good. What’s that, Suzie? The boys sitting in the back didn’t get a syllabus?

Boys, why didn’t you grab a copy of the syllabus when you walked in? What do you mean you don’t give a rip if you pass the class or not? Actually, never mind. Here is a syllabus for each of you.

Class, I am your professor. My name is Dr. Kevin O’Bama. Yes, it’s an Irish name. Why do you ask, Suzie?

Anyway, this is Socialism 101. I don’t believe I am exaggerating in the least when I say this class will change your life.

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I’m Your One-Stop Source For All Post- Apocalyptic Financial News

Back on April Fool’s Day, I wrote four guest blogs for a personal finance site I enjoy and frequently visit. I later republished two of them here at SKOS for those of you who do not like to venture beyond the safe borders of Special Kind of Stupid. Well, possibly thanks to one of these guest blogs — one I have yet to republish here at SKOS — I have apparently hit the big time.

First, read and (hopefully) enjoy the blog post in question. At the end I will fill you all in on what’s happened and how YOU can potentially profit from it.

Planning for Retirement in a Post-Apocalyptic World
Originally Published 4-1-08 at Free Money Finance
by Kev, Comedy Writer Extraordinaire

Worried you will not have enough money for retirement? Your worry may be unnecessary. In a recently released study, researchers at The SKOS Institute predict money will have no real value by the time many of us reach retirement age.

“What most people do not realize is society in the future will be very different than it is today,” remarked Gene Shallot, who was the lead researcher in the study.

“The balance in your bank account isn’t going to matter. Your being able to balance finding food and shelter, and avoiding those d*mn, dirty apes is what will matter.”

After seven years of intense research, Shallot and his colleagues formulated a series of scenarios for the future of mankind. In each, money did not play a significant role in a healthy retirement.

“A world ruled by evil, talking ape overlords was one scenario,” noted researcher Roger Ebert. “Another scenario involves the polar ice caps melting and most of the Earth being underwater. Another is a post-apocalyptic America without a government.

“In that one, the hope of mankind will rest on the shoulders of an unlikely hero carrying a bag of mail, who will look a lot like Kevin Costner.”

What role, if any, money will play in the future depends on the scenario.

“If we’re talking about a future where the earth is underwater, paper will be very hard to come by,” said Shallot. “In that scenario, money will have all sorts of handy uses.

“But otherwise, all money will really be good for is kindling for fire and giving apes paper cuts.”

Ultimately, the Institute concluded the key to a healthy, long retirement is diversification. The old adage, “don’t put all your eggs in one basket,” holds true even in a post-apocalyptic society.

“You need to plan for every possible outcome,” explained researcher Jay Sherman.

“If the Earth is going to be underwater, you need to learn how to swim. If you already know how to swim, begin saving dirt in airtight jars. Dirt will be very valuable in a water-filled society.

“To prepare for a future ruled by apes, go to the zoo every weekend and befriend the monkeys. Feed them bananas. You will be thankful to have them as allies when the apes eventually rise to power.

“And to prepare for a government-less America with a Postman in charge… well, I’m not exactly sure how you can prepare for that one. Buy stamps maybe?”

Enjoyed it didn’t you? Made your sides hurt a little because you laughed so hard, right? Yeah, I know. Just imagine how sore I get writing these things.

Anyway, a couple weeks ago a publicist e-mailed me asking if I would like a free copy of an upcoming, about-to-be-released book. If I enjoyed it they would appreciate it if I reviewed it here at SKOS, and if I really enjoyed it they would give me five more free copies that I could giveaway to my readers. The book title:

How to Profit From the Coming Rapture: Getting Ahead When You’re Left Behind

Now, it’s possible the guest blog you just read had nothing to do with this. It’s possible the publicist who contacted me was looking for humor blogs, found mine, and thought my readers might like the book. The fact I wrote a guest blog that was practically on this very topic is probably a coincidence.

Regardless, I am about to read it to see if I like it. If done well, this book could be hilarious. However, it could also be extremely blasphemous. It depends on how the writers handled the topic.

Assuming it’s the latter, that it’s blasphemous and I hate it, should I do a giveaway here at SKOS anyway?

What say you, good people of SKOS Land?

Report: People Should Bury Their Money

According to a new report just released by The SKOS Institute, the United States economy is collapsing and everyone should “run for their lives.”

A mere two days into their planned two-month study, SKOS researchers stopped working and began weeping uncontrollably.

“It’s just too much,” sobbed lead researcher Frank Dugan as he curled into the fetal position.

“The economy is never going to recover! Never!!”

For their report, SKOS researchers looked at the beaten-down housing markets, inflation, reduced consuming spending, the plummeting U.S. stock market, the plummeting foreign markets, rising gas prices, the Fed’s lowering of the interest rate, the governments bailout of anyone who did something stupid, and the distinct possibility the winner of the upcoming Presidential election will be the candidate who originally planed to raise the capital gains tax for all investors (not just the rich) and could, conceivably, change his mind again once elected.

“People should take whatever money they have left and bury it,” suggested SKOS researched Angela Bickerman as she dug a hole in her back yard.

“If you don’t own a shovel, use a rock or a stick to dig the hole. Whatever you do, don’t go out and buy a shovel. That would be just plain foolish. The time for reckless spending is over.”

If you don’t own your own home or your home doesn’t have land where you can easily bury your money, Dugan suggested swallowing your money.

“It isn’t pleasant, but so far I’ve swallowed $17 in dimes. Do I feel nauseous? Yes. Do I feel like my money is safe and sound? Absolutely. No one will take better care of my money than the Bank of Me.”

When asked if the fact people were panicking and taking their money out of the stock market in large quantities played a huge hand in the market’s plummet as of late, Dugan became confused.

“I have no idea what you just said. All I know is the time for rational thought is over. It’s time to panic and it’s time to panic good.”

Dugan then vomited and began crying again.