Category Archives: Fake News

“Fake News.” Real news is sad and depressing. Fake news is hilarious. And sometimes sad and depressing.

Prince Attacked, Assailant Still At Large

ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA – Fans of music, diminutive celebrities, the color purple, and pants with the butt cut out of them were shocked by the news Prince (pictured) was savagely beaten over the weekend near his home in Minneapolis.

The 5’2 tall singer of such hits as “1999,” “When Doves Cry” and “I am a Little T-pot” was playing on the merry-go-round at a local park when he was approached by an unidentified assailant wearing snake skin cowboy boots and tapered jeans.

“The guy looked like he was asking for his autograph or something,” said witness Lowell Mather. “Next thing you know he had picked Prince up by his feet and started spinning him round and round. I didn’t know what to make of it all.”

Other witnesses to the attack were equally baffled as to what they were witnessing.

“At first, I thought they were playing,” fellow witness Roy Biggins remarked.

“When he threw Prince in the air, I thought he was going to catch him. He had his arms stretched out and everything. But then he pulled his arms back at the last second and Prince fell to the ground head first. Then he began kicking him. It was awful.”

As the assailant pulled rubber bands out of his pocket and began shooting them at the helpless singer, bystanders began to wonder if they should break up the squabble.

“Hindsight is 20/20, but I honestly thought they were playing a game,” said Antonio Scarpacci, a taxi cab driver with a clear view of the attack.

“The guy kept saying something about how this would make a great post for his blog. I think he was, how do you say, smoking the pot.”

Asked for comment as he was leaving the emergency room, a bruised Prince replied, “I just don’t understand what took those idiots so long to get that guy off of me.

“What were they waiting for?! The guy was shooting freakin’ rubber bands at me!”

Police have released the following sketch drawing (left) of the unidentified assailant. He is described as a dashingly handsome, fashion savvy man in his late 20s. He can be identified by a very smug-looking smile, a boorish attitude, and his tendency to take pictures with his head tilted sideways.

If you have any information on this case, please contact the authorities at 1-800-555-KEVDIDIT.

The above is a repost (and slight revision) of the very first “fake news” story I ever wrote. It originally debuted at my old blog on May 31, 2006.

How to Sell Your Home in Any Market? Be Aloof

The following is one of four guest articles I wrote on April Fools Day for the awesome Free Money Finance website. Of the four, this one showed me at my silliest. And so, on its two month (and eighth day) anniversary, I will republish it here so that those of you who were too lazy to go to Free Money Finance to read it may enjoy its wicked awesome goodness.

Jeff Valentine knows promotion. The owner of two extremely successful night clubs, Valentine has perfected the art of turning something without value into something the consumer cannot do without. His secret? Tell people they can’t have your product.

Looking for a new challenge, Valentine is now using his skills in the real estate market.

“Look, babe, the secret to success is being aloof,” said Valentine as he smacked loudly on chewing gum.

“You’ve got to make it seem like you have numerous options. If you’re on a date and you’re too anxious or needy, what happens? That’s right. She goes to the restroom and sneaks out the window!

“You’ve got to play it cool, my man. The same is true when you’re selling a house. You want people to want to buy your home? Make them think you think they’re not good enough.”

Valentine’s track record suggests he knows what he’s talking about. His first club, “Club You’re Not on the List,” was a wreck when he bought it.

There was no air conditioning, no lighting, and the east-facing wall had collapsed. Also, there wasn’t a ceiling. But instead of paying money to fix it up, Valentine put a velvet rope out front and hired a bouncer. The bouncer’s job? Don’t let anyone inside.

“I didn’t let anyone inside for the first six months,” Valentine said. “Before, people walked on the other side of the street just to avoid the club. But once they weren’t allowed to go to the club, those same people would stand in line for hours hoping to get inside.”

Valentine now uses that same strategy when selling real estate.

“I put up a ‘For Sale’ sign in the front yard and then have Bruno, my bouncer, stand right beside it,” explains Valentine. “Whenever someone comes up to look at the house, Bruno puts out his hand, looks down at the clipboard he’s holding, and says, ’sorry… you’re not on the list.’

“I don’t believe there’s actually anything written on the clipboard. You’d have to ask Bruno. I think one time he told me he wrote down his hopes and dreams on it or something.”

Turned away, the interested buyer usually calls his or her real estate agent to inquire about the property. The agent then calls Valentine, who after a few seconds will put the agent on hold and make himself a sandwich or go take a thirty-minute power nap. Any agent still on the line when Valentine returns, or any that calls back later, is easy prey.

“At that point, I got them. They’re like my toys. I play with them for my amusement. And then I sell them a house for 10% above asking price.”

Because he is a giver, Valentine has written a book to help real estate agents and home owners sell their properties. The book, “No You Cannot Buy This House,” costs $19.95 and is steadily moving up the best seller ranks.

Among the tips offered in the book:

  • Build a mote around the property. Any home requiring a prospective buyer to swim in order to get to it is certain to spark heavy interest.
  • Promise to call a real estate agent or potential buyer back, but then don’t do it. When they call you, say something like, “I totally meant to call you, but I just have a lot on my plate right now.” Be sure to call them by the wrong name.
  • Hire a second bouncer.

Valentine is already at work on his next book. It is tentatively titled, “No You Cannot Buy This Book.”

He expects it to be an all-time best seller.

Enjoyed it, didn’t you? Well, why not check out the other articles I wrote for Free Money Finance on April Fools Day? There was Government Steps Up Efforts to Assist “Stupid” Homeowners, a sarcastic take on what the government will be doing next to bailout those silly subprime mortgage home owners. There was John Bogle Punks World, Admits Index Funds Aren’t Real, a look at how Vanguard founder and notorious prankster John Bogle played a practical joke on the entire world. And my second favorite, Planning for Retirement in a Post-Apocalyptic World, which needs no explanation.

Wait, the $360 Billion Check Guy Has a Girlfriend?!

Last week, a man by the name of Charles Ray Fuller was arrested for attempting to cash a $360 BILLION check. Here are the moronic details of the story in all of their idiotic glory:

  • The 21-year-old North Texas man was arrested last week for trying to cash a $360 billion check.
  • Fuller said his girlfriend’s mother gave him the check to start a record business, but bank employees who contacted the account’s owner said the woman told them she did not give him permission to take or cash the check.
  • In addition to forgery, Fuller was charged with unlawfully carrying a weapon and possessing marijuana.

As is usually the case, what jumped out at me in this story was something that will likely go unnoticed by most people who read it.

This guy has a girlfriend?!

I don’t want to go off on a rant here, but I have been single for roughly 13 months. I am good at being single, but I admit there are elements of being in a relationship I miss. For example, having someone navigate while I drive so I don’t get lost is something I enjoy very much. I’m sure there are other elements I enjoy, but that’s the only one that jumps to mind at the moment.

How is it that Charles Ray Fuller has a girlfriend and I do not?

I am educated and moderately intelligent. Mr. Fuller, based on the evidence at hand, is a moron.

My handwriting is exquisite. Mr. Fuller, based on the scanned image of his forged check, has very poor penmanship.

Mr. Fuller goes by his full name — middle name included. This tends to express a “redneck” vibe. I, on the other hand, use my middle initial. It’s classier.

I have a moderately good sense of humor. The funniest thing Mr. Fuller has ever done, based on the evidence at hand, is try to cash a $360 billion check. Granted, that is funny. But is it “ha ha” funny?

Mr. Fuller was unlawfully carrying a weapon. I have never unlawfully carried a weapon, unless you count these two fists of fury attached to the ends of my wrists.

The natural nickname for “Kevin” (my first name) is “Kev,” which is very cool. The natural nickname for “Charles” is “Chuck,” which sounds similar to “chunks,” which is another way to say “vomit.” Not cool.

I just don’t get it.

Maybe Mr. Fuller looks like a male model? (Update: So much for that possibility. See mugshot to the left. He does have that Renee Zellweger eye thing down pat, though.)

Or maybe, since he is obviously a dishonest thief, Mr. Fuller has that “bad guy” thing going for him? Yes, that must be it. Girls like bad guys. I’m just too nice of a guy. I must do something to change that…

Excuse me, ladies. I need to go cash a check.

How many zeros are in $360 trillion?

Government Steps Up Efforts To Assist “Stupid” Homeowners

The following is one of four guest articles I wrote on April Fools Day for the awesome Free Money Finance website. Of the four, this one was my personal favorite. And so, on its one month (and one day) anniversary, I will republish it here so that those of you who were too lazy to go to Free Money Finance to read it may enjoy its wicked awesome goodness.

On the heels of his plan to freeze interest rates on subprime mortgages for responsible homeowners who simply needed a helping hand, President Bush announced today he is ready to shift his attention to assisting the “stupid, irresponsible homeowners who knowingly bought houses they couldn’t possibly afford at variable interest rates only a slow-witted monkey would accept.”

If put into law, the plan, tentatively titled Operation: I’m With Stupid, would assign a government agent to every homeowner who fits the above criteria. The agent would assist the homeowner with cutting their food, walking their children to school, dressing them for work each day and other remedial tasks that are likely too much for the homeowner to handle alone.

“These people obviously need our help in areas beyond their ridiculous home mortgages,” Bush told reporters.

“How are they getting to work each day? Are they driving themselves? That’s a scary thought. And who buys their groceries? Who helps them calculate tips at restaurants? Who stops them from running around in open fields with aluminum baseball bats in the middle of lightning storms?”

The plan is not without its critics.

“Why are our tax dollars being spent helping these people,” asked Omaha resident and homeowner Shelly Anderson. “They got themselves into this subprime mortgage mess. They should have to pay the consequences.”

Delaware resident and homeowner Clive Johnson agreed.

“The government shouldn’t reward those who make bad choices. It penalizes those of us who have done things the right, smart way.”

When informed this plan would, among other things, prevent these homeowners from driving, holding up lines at grocery stores, malls and banks, and reproducing, Anderson and Johnson changed their tunes.

“This is the best idea I have ever heard,” remarked Anderson. “You have restored my faith in the government,” replied Johnson.

To those who believe this plan is simply a band-aid approach to a much larger issue, Bush sympathizes.

“Look, if it were possible to round up all these people, put them in a rocket and send them to the moon, we’d do it. Unfortunately, NASA hasn’t invented a rocket big enough. This is the next best option.

“We can’t make these people any smarter, but we can have a government agent watching their every move. If they try to stick a fork in an electric socket, our agent will be there to stop them. If they try to rent a Paris Hilton movie at the video store, our agent will be there to take the movie out of their hands.

“And if they try to buy another home with a variable-rate mortgage that would comprise over 80% of their gross salary, our agent will be there with a rolled-up newspaper to hit them over the head and firmly say, ‘NO.’”

Enjoyed it, didn’t you? Well, why not check out the other articles I wrote for Free Money Finance on April Fools Day? There was How to Sell Your Home in Any Market? Be Aloof, a gem that teaches you the proper way to sell a home. There was John Bogle Punks World, Admits Index Funds Aren’t Real, a look at how Vanguard founder and notorious prankster John Bogle played a practical joke on the entire world. And my second favorite, Planning for Retirement in a Post-Apocalyptic World, which needs no explanation.

Report: Americans Express Financial Concerns While Shopping For Junk

According to a new report from The SKOS Institute, 75% of Americans express concern about financial-related matters while shopping for junk they do not need.

“It is fascinating to witness,” remarked Kevin Dugan, lead researcher of the study.

“One individual we studied went on a three-minute rant about rising gas prices while she was standing in line to buy the complete series of Full House on DVD. One minute, she’s talking about how she wouldn’t be able to afford to drive to work if gas prices keep rising. The next minute, she’s quoting lines from Full House.

“It was fascinating. And frightening.”

Another individual was overheard expressing concern over potential layoffs at his place of employment.

“We debated asking him why he was shopping for a plasma television, but we didn’t want to interfere,” explained researcher Sarah Nolen.

“Like scientists studying gorillas in the jungle, we must stay out of their way. If we interact with the test subjects, we impact their actions. You wouldn’t ask a gorilla why he was buying a plasma television if he was afraid of losing his job. Would you?”

In the report, which cost $892,000 to complete and was charged to the institutes’s credit card, Dugan and his colleagues studied consumers as they shopped for numerous questionable items. The researchers went to malls, Hummer dealerships, Starbucks, Miley Cyrus concerts, and Disney World.

“What we discovered is that, for most Americans, financial concerns — rising food and gas prices, unemployment, mounting debt, the subprime mortgage mess, the stock market, etc. — are no match for the sheer joy of buying an iPhone for yourself or a sweater for your dog or cat,” noted Dugan.

Dugan did discover a silver lining during the study.

“People like to complain about financial matters, but complaining doesn’t cost anything. It’s free.

“Free. That’s pretty frugal, right?”

The preceding silliness was a public service announcement. With “rebate” checks from the government arriving any day now, please be smart with the money. Don’t use the money on “stuff” (aka “junk”). Pay off debts. Use it to start an emergency fund. Heck, buy gas and food with it. Just please, for the love of all that is good and holy, don’t waste it. Only a fool would do that. You’re not a fool. Are you?

Wesley Snipes Sentenced to Prison, Hollywood’s Worst Fear They Could Be Next

The news of actor Wesley Snipes being sentenced to three years in prison for cheating on his taxes has sent shock waves through the Hollywood community. Fellow actors, convinced these tax charges are merely the beginning of large-scale witch hunt to rid society of horrible acting, are worried they could be next.

“Al Capone was a murderer, but how did they finally put him away,” asked noted bad actor Ben Affleck rhetorically. “For cheating on his taxes.

“Wesley (Snipes) wasn’t a murderer — he didn’t kill anyone who didn’t have it coming — but he was a horrible actor. And they made him pay for it.”

Bad actor Nicolas Cage agreed. “This is truly a sad day for bad actors everywhere,” noted the inexplicably successful star of numerous blockbuster movies.

“John (Travolta) and I talked about this very scenario ten years ago on the set of Face/Off. Someday, we said, people were going to get sick and tired of the madness. They were going to rise up and rid the world of ‘our kind.’

“Frankly, I’m surprised it took society this long to begin smiting us.”

Other actors took a less philosophical approach to the sentencing.

“Good Lord,” shouted overrated actor-comedian Chris Rock to nearby reporters. “If they can get Wesley, I don’t stand a chance. He was Blade, man. Blade!”

“I won’t last in prison,” sobbed infamous waste of space, Pauly Shore. “Do you know what they do to people like me in prison? Do you?! They’ll force me to watch Bio-Dome and Encino Man over and over! I can’t do it…I just can’t!”

The fact Snipes, a bad actor but nowhere near one of Hollywood’s worst, was the first domino to fall has led many observers to believe the actor will be offered a reduced sentence if he cooperates with authorities.

“It’s me they’re after,” remarked Keanu Reeves.

“Snipes was in Demolition Man with Sandra Bullock, my co-star from Speed and The Lake House. Snipes was also in that To Wong Foo drag movie with Patrick Swayze, my co-star in Point Break. He was also in U.S. Marshals with Joe Pantaliano, who was in the first Matrix movie. You know, the good one.

“They got Snipes so he can help them get me.”

When asked for comment, the lead prosecutor in the Snipes case confirmed the suspicions.

“It’s true. We’re after Keanu.”

Atlanta Braves to Face Brain Eating Zombie

One year after euthanizing underachieving starting pitcher Mark Redman, the Atlanta Braves were shocked to learn the pitcher has come back from the dead and will pitch against them tonight in their game against the Colorado Rockies.

“Shocked isn’t the right word,” said Braves manager Bobby Cox as he hid under his desk. “We’re terrified.”

Braves players, who were initially told Redman went away so he could rehab at one of the team’s minor league farm clubs, were only made aware of the fact the pitcher had been put to sleep when he failed to attend his own birthday party in January.

“Mark loved to eat cake,” noted Braves catcher Brian McCann. “So when he didn’t show up at the party, we knew something was wrong.”

“I sure hope he doesn’t mistake my head for a piece of cake,” added pitcher John Smoltz. “My bald head is kind of shiny, so he might think it’s a candle or something.”

Losers of the first two games in the Colorado series, the team has been unable to concentrate on baseball with the threat of being eaten at any moment hanging over their heads.

“What happens if he intentionally hits me with the first pitch of the game,” asked second baseman and lead-off hitter, Kelly Johnson.

“Do I charge the mound to fight him? Wouldn’t that be playing right into his zombie hands? Doesn’t he want me to charge the mound so he can eat my brain?”

“Man, take one for the team,” interrupted veteran pitcher Tom Glavine. “If he eats your brain, maybe he’ll get full and leave the rest of us alone.”

In an act of self preservation, third baseman Chipper Jones is attempting to convince backup infielder Martin Prado that bathing in olive oil and oregano will help him become a better player.

“Martin’s young and doesn’t speak English very well, so I think I can get him to do it,” remarked Jones.

When asked for comment, Redman sounded upbeat about the possibility of facing the team that gave up on him a year ago and had him killed.

“It’s always nice when you get the chance to prove your doubters wrong and eat their delicious brains,” said Redman.

Major Websites Switch to “Message Board” Design Theme

Due to the overwhelming response Special Kind of Stupid, a humor blog, has received for its new “cork message board” design, dozens of Fortune 500 companies announced today they soon will be implementing similar designs for their websites.

Dubbed “Web 2 Point Awesome” by experts, this revolutionary theme layers the site’s content over a cork image. This gives the content, which has a white background, the illusion of being a piece of paper “attached” to a message board.

“It is nothing short of remarkable,” remarked Apple CEO Steve Jobs. “I look at that site and I swear I’m looking at a real message board.

“At one point, I got confused and tried to put a sticky note on it.”

Google's Beta Version of the Cork ThemeGoogle, trying to beat Microsoft and Yahoo to the punch, has already launched its beta version of the cork theme.

“We had our entire web development department drop what they were doing so we could cram a typical 12-month design process into one weekend,” said Google co-founder Larry Page as he tried to remove a thumbtack he accidentally embedded into his computer monitor.

“There is going to be a flurry of sites switching over to this cork theme in the coming months, and we wanted to be at the forefront of this revolution.

“The result, I believe, speaks for itself.”

Microsoft’s Bill Gates agreed. “This is the future, and the future is going to be awesome.”

Experts in the industry predict by the year 2010 all websites will be using the cork message board theme.

“It’s inevitable,” noted Al Gore, founder of the Internet. “People love sticky notes and they love using thumbtacks. Bringing that love over to the Internet is nothing short of genius.

“I wish I had invented it.”

Report: 72% of IE6 Users Are Insane

Researchers at The SKOS Institute have released a report stating that a majority of web users still using Internet Explorer 6 believe it is the year 2003 and not, as recent calendars suggest, 2008. Experts believe this delusion stems from a fear of newer technology and a heaping dose of “being all crazy and stuff.”

“‘Crazy’ might be a harsh label, but it fits,” said researcher Kevin Dugan. “Only a crazy person would choose to use a crappy browser like IE6 when there are newer browsers like IE7 and, especially, Firefox out there.”

Voted the eighth worst tech product of all time by PC World in May 2006 due to a myriad of security issues and bugs, Internet Explorer 6 has frustrated web designers for years.

“A website that looks fantastic in Firefox will look like total crap in IE6,” remarked web developer Amy Elzenhoffer of Silicon Valley. “It makes designing websites a headache. We have to design for tech savvy users and for those users living in the stone age.

“It is the redheaded stepchild of the browser family. It should be taken out back and beaten with an ugly stick.”

Internet Explorer 6 user and crazy person Aaron Jenson of Birmingham, Alabama, disagrees.

“I don’t know what these ‘experts’ are talking about,” said Jenson as he stuffed Jello pudding down his pants. “Internet Explorer 6 rocks. Anyone who disagrees can kiss my super karate monkey death car.”

Despite being old and riddled with flaws, Internet Explorer 6 remains very popular. Statistics show that in January 2008 almost one-third of all Internet usage was with IE6 as the web browser.

These numbers perplex the researchers at The SKOS Institute.

“It’s like having one-third of the world’s doctors still use leaches when a patient is sick,” noted Dugan. “Or a director casting Wesley Snipes in a movie.

“It’s archaic.”

Oscar Aftermath to Affect Straight Men Worldwide

Today, as straight men awaken and drive to work on their daily commutes, there is a sense of dread. In offices all over the country, straight men will be subjected to lengthy, rambling, “Academy Awards” gossip by their female and non-straight male co-workers.

“The morning after The Oscars is the worst day of the year,” says Tom Johnson, an office manager for a small textile company in Atlanta. “Do you know what Reese Witherspoon wore to the 2005 Oscars? I do, because they talked about it for four freakin’ hours the next day.

“There is no amount of drinking that can get that info out of your head. Believe me, I’ve tried.”

Johnson’s viewpoint is one that is shared by Dan Dover, a data entry specialist for Coca-Cola.

“One year, the woman I shared an office with at the time asked me if I had seen the movie, Chicago. I told her I’d never heard of it. She was flabbergasted. ‘How could you have never heard of it,’ she kept asking me. ‘It was so good,’ she kept repeating. ‘It won a buttload of Oscars last night,’ she kept saying.

“I feel kind of bad about telling my boss she was stealing from petty cash so that she would get fired, but there is only so much a man can take.”

Dr. Irene Anderson of The People Institute in Atlanta, Georgia, has researched the affect “Oscaritis” has on straight men’s psyches.

“In the past, when Mel Gibson’s Braveheart, Kevin Costner’s Dances With Wolves, Clint Eastwood’s Unforgiven, or Russell Crowe’s Gladiator has been the big winner at The Academy Awards, we found that straight men were more receptive to the inevitable ‘Oscar gossip’ the following day. In fact, in those instances the men actually sometimes contributed to the conversations.

“However, in every other instance the men we studied had an extremely negative reaction. X-rays show that the frontal lobes of their brains turned a light salmon color, sort of like Jennifer Garner’s dress at the 2004 Academy Awards.

“You don’t have to be a scientist to know that isn’t good.”

With an obscure list of winners for this year’s Oscars, experts are predicting that the damage done to men’s brains this morning will be the worst in recorded history.

“Lord help me if someone says the name Daniel Day-Lewis or Marion Cotillard before I’ve had my cup of coffee,” remarked Johnson.

“I might just have to set the building on fire.”