ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA – Fans of music, diminutive celebrities, the color purple, and pants with the butt cut out of them were shocked by the news Prince (pictured) was savagely beaten over the weekend near his home in Minneapolis.
The 5’2 tall singer of such hits as “1999,” “When Doves Cry” and “I am a Little T-pot” was playing on the merry-go-round at a local park when he was approached by an unidentified assailant wearing snake skin cowboy boots and tapered jeans.
“The guy looked like he was asking for his autograph or something,” said witness Lowell Mather. “Next thing you know he had picked Prince up by his feet and started spinning him round and round. I didn’t know what to make of it all.”
Other witnesses to the attack were equally baffled as to what they were witnessing.
“At first, I thought they were playing,” fellow witness Roy Biggins remarked.
“When he threw Prince in the air, I thought he was going to catch him. He had his arms stretched out and everything. But then he pulled his arms back at the last second and Prince fell to the ground head first. Then he began kicking him. It was awful.”
As the assailant pulled rubber bands out of his pocket and began shooting them at the helpless singer, bystanders began to wonder if they should break up the squabble.
“Hindsight is 20/20, but I honestly thought they were playing a game,” said Antonio Scarpacci, a taxi cab driver with a clear view of the attack.
“The guy kept saying something about how this would make a great post for his blog. I think he was, how do you say, smoking the pot.”
Asked for comment as he was leaving the emergency room, a bruised Prince replied, “I just don’t understand what took those idiots so long to get that guy off of me.
“What were they waiting for?! The guy was shooting freakin’ rubber bands at me!”
Police have released the following sketch drawing (left) of the unidentified assailant. He is described as a dashingly handsome, fashion savvy man in his late 20s. He can be identified by a very smug-looking smile, a boorish attitude, and his tendency to take pictures with his head tilted sideways.
If you have any information on this case, please contact the authorities at 1-800-555-KEVDIDIT.
The above is a repost (and slight revision) of the very first “fake news” story I ever wrote. It originally debuted at my old blog on May 31, 2006.