You know, an intro really can’t do this video clip justice. Just watch and enjoy.
Since my first “Headlines!” post was such a huge success (0 comments! Put a 1 in front of that and I’m in double digits, baby!), I have decided to treat all of you to a sequel.
I’m sorry, did I say treat? I meant punish. You best leave me a few comments this time, or else I’ll have no choice but to turn this into a trilogy.
- Headline: “How to make extra cash”
What the article is actually about: Selling items on the Internet.
What I, for the purpose of this post, thought after reading the headline: I definitely didn’t think it had anything to do with the world’s oldest profession, I’ll tell you that! [awkward laugh]
- Headline: “Lesbian teen awarded $35k”
What the article is actually about: A rural school district that canceled its prom rather than allow a lesbian student to attend with her girlfriend agreeing to pay $35,000 to settle a discrimination lawsuit.
What I, for the purpose of this post, thought after reading the headline: So now we’re PAYING people to be gay??
- Headline: “Most massive star ever seen”
What the article is actually about: The discovery of a huge ball of brightly burning gas that may be hundreds of times more massive than the sun.
What I, for the purpose of this post, thought after reading the headline: Is Rosie O’Donnell technically a “star” anymore?
Let’s see those comments, people.
According to Yahoo, Playboy has launched a new, non-nude, “safe for work” website. Given as examples of the site’s work-friendly content were articles entitled “How to Get Laid at Work” and “How to Hang Out with Porn Chicks.”
So, let me get this straight:
“JOHNSON!,” your boss shouts. “Are you looking at Playboy on your company computer?!?”
“No boss,” you say. “This is Playboy’s new, non-nude, ‘safe for work’ website.”
“HAHAHAHA,” your boss laughs. “My mistake, Johnson. So, you weren’t looking at pornography on your company computer. You were just looking at questionable material on your company computer when you were supposed to be working.”
“You got it, boss.”
“You’re fired, Johnson.”
Wait a second. Burger King sells a men’s body spray and has been doing so for a year and a half?
How am I just now hearing about this?!
Why didn’t any of you give me a head’s up? You know I’m single. If I had found out about “Flame by BK” eighteen months ago that surely would not still be the case. I would have had women BEGGING me for dates!
You people perplex me sometimes. Just please promise me that as soon as Taco Bell, Pizza Hut or Paris Hilton come out with men’s fragrance, you’ll let me know ASAP.
A few weeks ago, I tried one of those breakfast sandwiches at Subway. I’d never eaten one before, so I asked the friendly Subway employee to give me guidance.
“What kind of sauce or dressing do people usually get on their breakfast sandwich,” I asked.
“Mayo?? On a breakfast sandwich?!”
Not to go off on a rant here, but there are items where mayonnaise is perfectly acceptable. A hamburger, for example. Or a turkey sandwich. For each of these, I use and enjoy mayo myself in the “light” or “made with olive oil” varieties. For my money, there’s nothing quite like a sandwich with mayo on wheat bread using leftover turkey from Thanksgiving.
But a breakfast sandwich? Are you kidding me??
People are actually putting mayo on an egg omelet placed between, in some cases, two halves of an English muffin?
One word comes to mind: disgusting.
If there are any such mayo enthusiasts out there, my apologies. But good grief, people. May God have mercy on your artery-clogged souls.
Bioligists, hoping to track and research jaguars in the Guatemalan jungle, are using Calvin Klein cologne to lure the ferocious animals.
So you’re telling me that not only do I have to worry about being mauled by “cougars” (Definition: Older women looking for younger men) while wearing my Calvin Klein cologne at the grocery store, I have to also worry about being mauled by actual jaguars?
I’m going to have to switch to Stetson cologne.
That stuff repels anything.
I’m no doctor, but I believe I have figured out the secret to weight loss and fitness.
Every time you exercise, a little part of you dies and goes to Heaven. The more you exercise, the more of you that dies. And the more parts of you that die and go to Heaven, the less there is left of you here on Earth!
“But Kevin,” you’re probably saying. “What about that whole ‘burning more calories than you consume’ thing?”
That’s just an urban legend. It’s a myth. Only children believe in such nonsense. You’re not a child. Are you?
No, losing weight is all about killing yourself, one little part at a time. It’s science.
As always, you’re welcome, people.
Head & Shoulders has a bold guarantee for its new shampoo for men.
How bold? Well, it claims users will have “THICKER LOOKING HAIR IN 1 WEEK, GUARANTEED.”
Wow, guaranteed? That’s amazing.
Of course, when you read the fine print it isn’t so amazing. Head & Shoulders isn’t comparing its product to OTHER shampoos, it’s comparing it to “unwashed hair” (!).
That’s right. Head & Shoulders is making the bold prediction that using their shampoo for one week will make your hair look thicker than if you had not washed your hair at all that week.
I can’t wait for their next advertising campaign where they guarantee using their shampoo will make your hair smell better than if you hadn’t washed it all.
Or their advertising campaign where they boast you will look less disheveled and homeless if you use their shampoo versus not shampooing at all.
Or their brilliant advertising campaign that offers a “110% Money Back Guarantee” if users prefer renowned hair cleaners BBQ sauce and ranch dressing to their shampoo.
Bravo, Head & Shoulders. Bravo.
“You look awesome.”
I had headphones in my ears at the time, so I didn’t realize I was being spoken to right away. Then the speaker got my attention, so I removed them from my ears.
“You look awesome,” she repeated.
At first, I was confused. What’s she talking about? Do I know her? Was she hitting on me? Was I being Punk’d?
“I haven’t been to the gym in a while, so I haven’t seen you in a few months, but wow, you look awesome.”
I then realized this young lady was paying me a compliment. And yes, I did remember her. She used to be a regular at the gym.
I thanked her, told her how that was “such a sweet thing to say” and that she had made my day. And then we went our separate ways.
It took several moments for what had just happened to process in my brain. This, you see, was the first compliment I had received on my appearance (family members do not count) since I switched to a healthier lifestyle.
I know I’ve made progress, but in my mind I think about how far I still have to go. I estimate it will be another three months before I’m where I should be. And because I’m constantly looking at still what must be done, I don’t appreciate what’s already been accomplished.
But then I heard those three little words.
Validation. You don’t realize you need it until someone gives it to you.
I’m eating and living healthy these days, but a moment ago I took a step back and actually analyzed the foods I have eaten so far today:
-One granola bar
-Grilled chicken patty
-Fruit cup (oranges, grapes, strawberries & apples)
-Two spoons of peanut butter
-One giant mug of green tea
Manly? Um, no.
If I saw this food list, I’d immediately think “hippie.”
I hope this doesn’t mean I have to grow my hair long, stop bathing and start telling everyone to give peace a chance.