Category Archives: Sports

“Sports.” Sometimes I blog about sports, which is one of my loves. And every time I do, none of my readers read or leave comments.

francoeur

Wish granted: Mets trade unhappy Jeff Francoeur to church softball team in Omaha

NEW YORK – Saying it was the hardest thing he has ever had to do, New York Mets General Manager Omar Minaya announced today that he has traded disgruntled outfielder Jeff Francoeur to the adult softball team at First Presbyterian Church in Omaha, Nebraska.

“I’m not exaggerating,” noted Minaya. “Finding someone who wanted Jeff Francoeur was literally the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

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Atlanta Braves to Face Brain Eating Zombie

One year after euthanizing underachieving starting pitcher Mark Redman, the Atlanta Braves were shocked to learn the pitcher has come back from the dead and will pitch against them tonight in their game against the Colorado Rockies.

“Shocked isn’t the right word,” said Braves manager Bobby Cox as he hid under his desk. “We’re terrified.”

Braves players, who were initially told Redman went away so he could rehab at one of the team’s minor league farm clubs, were only made aware of the fact the pitcher had been put to sleep when he failed to attend his own birthday party in January.

“Mark loved to eat cake,” noted Braves catcher Brian McCann. “So when he didn’t show up at the party, we knew something was wrong.”

“I sure hope he doesn’t mistake my head for a piece of cake,” added pitcher John Smoltz. “My bald head is kind of shiny, so he might think it’s a candle or something.”

Losers of the first two games in the Colorado series, the team has been unable to concentrate on baseball with the threat of being eaten at any moment hanging over their heads.

“What happens if he intentionally hits me with the first pitch of the game,” asked second baseman and lead-off hitter, Kelly Johnson.

“Do I charge the mound to fight him? Wouldn’t that be playing right into his zombie hands? Doesn’t he want me to charge the mound so he can eat my brain?”

“Man, take one for the team,” interrupted veteran pitcher Tom Glavine. “If he eats your brain, maybe he’ll get full and leave the rest of us alone.”

In an act of self preservation, third baseman Chipper Jones is attempting to convince backup infielder Martin Prado that bathing in olive oil and oregano will help him become a better player.

“Martin’s young and doesn’t speak English very well, so I think I can get him to do it,” remarked Jones.

When asked for comment, Redman sounded upbeat about the possibility of facing the team that gave up on him a year ago and had him killed.

“It’s always nice when you get the chance to prove your doubters wrong and eat their delicious brains,” said Redman.

Braves “Put Down” Pitcher, Tell Players He Went to Live on Farm

ATLANTA, GA – After losing his first four decisions of the season and posting an awful 10.62 ERA, the Atlanta Braves had starting pitcher Mark Redman “put down” this week.

“It was for the best,” said manager Bobby Cox. “After watching him get beat around the first month of the season, this was definitely the most humane thing to do.”

“He’s pitching to angels in Heaven now. Probably getting tagged by them, too.”

After blowing a 3-run lead and failing to get through the second inning in his May 1st start against the division-rival Phillies, the Braves coaching staff and front office held a closed-door meeting to decide the pitcher’s fate. Once the decision was made, the brain trust threw a pizza party to distract the other players as they took Redman to the doctor’s office.

“A few players asked us what we were talking about in our meeting, but once the pizza and clown arrived they quickly forgot all about it,” said pitching coach Roger McDowell.

Once the party was over and the horrible deed was done, the Braves announced that Redman was placed on the 15-day disabled list due to an ingrown nail on his left big toe. Once the ingrown nail is removed, the players were told Redman would rehab at one of the Braves’ minor league farm clubs.

However, not all players bought the explanation.

“Who goes on the disabled list because of an ingrown nail on your toe,” an exasperated John Smoltz asked reporters after hearing the news.

“Something isn’t right. Why didn’t he take his glove with him? If he is going to rehab with one of the farm clubs, won’t he need his glove??”

Even though the team knows lying is wrong, it’s confident keeping the players in the dark on Redman’s fate was the right thing to do.

“Maybe we’ll tell them what really happened someday,” remarked general manager John Schuerholz.

“Maybe when they’re older.”

The saga continues. For more comedic gold, go read Atlanta Braves to Face Brain Eating Zombie.

While it originally debuted on my blog, this post was revised and later published at Associated Content on August 20, 2007. You can go read it here.

Delusional Kids Still Believe in Braves, Tooth Fairy

By Kevin J. Fakename
Reporter for The Fake News
Originally Reported 8/25/06

ATLANTA, GA – Tyler and Cody Chung (pictured) received failing grades during the recent “show and tell” in Mrs. Timberland’s fourth grade class, according to insiders who eat lunch with the brothers.

Both boys, age 10, presented photos taken during a recent Atlanta Braves game the pair had attended. Their presentation was going smoothly until Cody (right) declared the Braves to be the best team in the world.

“That is an outright lie and you know it,” Mrs. Timberland reportedly remarked. “How dare you pollute my classroom with your deceitful tongues,” Timberland continued.

Unfazed, the duo continued their presentation by displaying a photo they had taken with outfielder Jeff Franceour, who they described as “an awesome player.”

“You have got to be kidding me,” an exasperated Mrs. Timberland bellowed. “That strikeout machine swings at everything!”

After a few more photos, the last one being of pitcher Tim “one of the best pitchers in baseball” Hudson, Timberland instructed Tyler and Cody to go to the restroom so that they could wash their mouths out with soap.

“You can’t coddle these kids,” remarked Mrs. Timberland when asked for comment at her home. “When they say something ignorant, I call them on it. That’s how I am. That’s how I roll.”

Both Tyler and Cody were unavailable for comment because, according to their parents, they were coming to terms with Mrs. Timberland’s announcement to the class that the boys were adopted and the Tooth Fairy did not exist.

Originally posted on August 25, 2006 at my Xanga.

Atlanta Braves Sign Charlie Sheen

ATLANTA, GA – Desperate for relief pitching and in the midst of a five game losing streak, the Atlanta Braves have signed actor Charlie Sheen to a major league contract.

The star of Hot Shots! and Scary Movie 3, Sheen is no stranger to the game. As a boy, he played in Little League. As an adult, he participated in a Celebrity All-Star Game at Dodger Stadium in 1986. And in 1996, he took batting practice with the Seattle Mariners before a game. However, it was his work in three films – Major League, Major League II, and Eight Men Out – that caught the eye of the Braves.

“In those movies, Charlie proved he had a real talent for the game,” said Executive Vice President and General Manager John Schuerholz. “At one point in Major League, he was throwing 101 MPH. That’s what we need right now – someone who can come in and get strikeouts.”

“I like his gutsy attitude,” said Manager Bobby Cox. “In Major League II, when he intentionally walked that guy just so he could face the other team’s best hitter, I got goosebumps. He didn’t give a crap.”

The signing has not been without its critics. ESPN’s Peter Gammons called the move “the stupidest thing” he had ever heard. USA Today’s Bob Nightengale asked, “have the Braves lost their minds?” And The Sporting News’ Ken Rosenthal asked incredulously, “they do realize those were movies and he wasn’t really throwing that hard, right?!”

However, after fifteen years of unmatched success, the Braves feel they have earned the benefit of the doubt.

“There will always be critics,” said Schuerholz. “Frankly, I don’t understand how anyone could have seen Charlie Sheen in the those movies and yet question the wisdom in our signing him. What movies were they watching? The man was throwing freakin’ 101 MPH!”

Sheen, currently starring in CBS’s hit comedy Two and a Half Men, is excited about the opportunity. “To be honest, excited isn’t the right word. I’m shocked. I mean, I’m 40 years old. I’ve never played professional ball. I’m an actor. But, come on, how could I say no?”

Even with Sheen in the fold, Schuerholz is determined not to rest on his laurels.

“Our scouts tell us Kevin Costner is quite the athlete.”

Originally posted on June 6, 2006 at my old blog on Xanga.

While it originally debuted on my blog, I revised and later published this article at Associated Content on July 24, 2007. You can go read it here.

This was also republished, without my permission, by <name omitted so that I do not give the site any referrals>. The site does give me credit, way down at the end, but it did not ask for my permission and it posted the entire article rather than just a snippet. Boo <name omitted so that I do not give the site any referrals>. Boo.