ATLANTA, GA – Desperate for relief pitching and in the midst of a five game losing streak, the Atlanta Braves have signed actor Charlie Sheen to a major league contract.
The star of Hot Shots! and Scary Movie 3, Sheen is no stranger to the game. As a boy, he played in Little League. As an adult, he participated in a Celebrity All-Star Game at Dodger Stadium in 1986. And in 1996, he took batting practice with the Seattle Mariners before a game. However, it was his work in three films – Major League, Major League II, and Eight Men Out – that caught the eye of the Braves.
“In those movies, Charlie proved he had a real talent for the game,” said Executive Vice President and General Manager John Schuerholz. “At one point in Major League, he was throwing 101 MPH. That’s what we need right now – someone who can come in and get strikeouts.”
“I like his gutsy attitude,” said Manager Bobby Cox. “In Major League II, when he intentionally walked that guy just so he could face the other team’s best hitter, I got goosebumps. He didn’t give a crap.”
The signing has not been without its critics. ESPN’s Peter Gammons called the move “the stupidest thing” he had ever heard. USA Today’s Bob Nightengale asked, “have the Braves lost their minds?” And The Sporting News’ Ken Rosenthal asked incredulously, “they do realize those were movies and he wasn’t really throwing that hard, right?!”
However, after fifteen years of unmatched success, the Braves feel they have earned the benefit of the doubt.
“There will always be critics,” said Schuerholz. “Frankly, I don’t understand how anyone could have seen Charlie Sheen in the those movies and yet question the wisdom in our signing him. What movies were they watching? The man was throwing freakin’ 101 MPH!”
Sheen, currently starring in CBS’s hit comedy Two and a Half Men, is excited about the opportunity. “To be honest, excited isn’t the right word. I’m shocked. I mean, I’m 40 years old. I’ve never played professional ball. I’m an actor. But, come on, how could I say no?”
Even with Sheen in the fold, Schuerholz is determined not to rest on his laurels.
“Our scouts tell us Kevin Costner is quite the athlete.”
Originally posted on June 6, 2006 at my old blog on Xanga.
While it originally debuted on my blog, I revised and later published this article at Associated Content on July 24, 2007. You can go read it here.
This was also republished, without my permission, by <name omitted so that I do not give the site any referrals>. The site does give me credit, way down at the end, but it did not ask for my permission and it posted the entire article rather than just a snippet. Boo <name omitted so that I do not give the site any referrals>. Boo.