“The one nurse had a cold cloth on his head. The other nurse had the blood pressure on his arm. And my mother was like rubbing his back. And he is passed out on a couch. And I am there, in the middle of labor,” his wife, Cynthia Rodriguez, told the YES Network.

The shame does not end there. There’s more.

“And really, I am not being paid much attention to besides the doctor and a couple of nurses,” continued Cynthia Rodriguez. “And he is there moaning. In between pushing, I am going, ‘Honey, are you OK?’ and ‘Are you breathing? Are you OK?’”

And more.

“As tough and big as he seems, he is real wimpy around doctors or any type of medical situation. I don’t know why I thought the birth of our child would be different. In the middle of the night, I realized that I needed to go to the hospital. I wake him up. The first thing that comes out of his mouth, ‘Can we call your mother?’”

And, sadly, even more.

“The color came back to his face when I told him he could call my mom.”

For all his money and talent, Rodriguez is disliked by most fans outside New York. They say he is a phony. They say he “chokes” in pressure situations. They say he is greedy and doesn’t care about winning — his signing with the last place Texas Rangers in 2000 simply because they offered the most money is an often cited example.

And now, all because he passed out and moaned during the birth of his first born, they say he is a wimp.

Won’t you people leave the guy alone?

So what if he passed out while his wife was giving birth. Maybe he was sleepy. Did you ever consider that?

So what if he stays up until 3 AM every Friday night to watch Steel Magnolias and cry his eyes out. It would take a rock not to cry at that movie.

So what if he exfoliates his entire body twice a week. Some ladies like a guy who has softer skin than they do.

So what if he carries around a purse. It can hold all of his essentials. Besides, you try fitting eyeliner in a man’s wallet. It isn’t easy.

So what if he has A-Teen’s Dancing Queen on his iPod. The song is catchy.

You want to call A-Rod a wimp? Fine. Do whatever you like. I, for one, will not take part in such hurtful slander.

Alex Rodriguez is not a wimp. He is sensitive.

Also, he’s possibly a woman.

Humor-blogs owns A-Teen’s Greatest Hits.

• The 21-year-old North Texas man was arrested last week for trying to cash a $360 billion check.
• Fuller said his girlfriend’s mother gave him the check to start a record business, but bank employees who contacted the account’s owner said the woman told them she did not give him permission to take or cash the check.
• In addition to forgery, Fuller was charged with unlawfully carrying a weapon and possessing marijuana.

As is usually the case, what jumped out at me in this story was something that will likely go unnoticed by most people who read it.

This guy has a girlfriend?!

I don’t want to go off on a rant here, but I have been single for roughly 13 months. I am good at being single, but I admit there are elements of being in a relationship I miss. For example, having someone navigate while I drive so I don’t get lost is something I enjoy very much. I’m sure there are other elements I enjoy, but that’s the only one that jumps to mind at the moment.

How is it that Charles Ray Fuller has a girlfriend and I do not?

I am educated and moderately intelligent. Mr. Fuller, based on the evidence at hand, is a moron.

My handwriting is exquisite. Mr. Fuller, based on the scanned image of his forged check, has very poor penmanship.

Mr. Fuller goes by his full name — middle name included. This tends to express a “redneck” vibe. I, on the other hand, use my middle initial. It’s classier.

I have a moderately good sense of humor. The funniest thing Mr. Fuller has ever done, based on the evidence at hand, is try to cash a $360 billion check. Granted, that is funny. But is it “ha ha” funny?

Mr. Fuller was unlawfully carrying a weapon. I have never unlawfully carried a weapon, unless you count these two fists of fury attached to the ends of my wrists.

The natural nickname for “Kevin” (my first name) is “Kev,” which is very cool. The natural nickname for “Charles” is “Chuck,” which sounds similar to “chunks,” which is another way to say “vomit.” Not cool.

I just don’t get it.

Maybe Mr. Fuller looks like a male model? (Update: So much for that possibility. See mugshot to the left. He does have that Renee Zellweger eye thing down pat, though.)

Or maybe, since he is obviously a dishonest thief, Mr. Fuller has that “bad guy” thing going for him? Yes, that must be it. Girls like bad guys. I’m just too nice of a guy. I must do something to change that…

Excuse me, ladies. I need to go cash a check.

How many zeros are in $360 trillion?

Humor-blogs promises to visit me in prison.

On the heels of his plan to freeze interest rates on subprime mortgages for responsible homeowners who simply needed a helping hand, President Bush announced today he is ready to shift his attention to assisting the “stupid, irresponsible homeowners who knowingly bought houses they couldn’t possibly afford at variable interest rates only a slow-witted monkey would accept.”

If put into law, the plan, tentatively titled Operation: I’m With Stupid, would assign a government agent to every homeowner who fits the above criteria. The agent would assist the homeowner with cutting their food, walking their children to school, dressing them for work each day and other remedial tasks that are likely too much for the homeowner to handle alone.

“These people obviously need our help in areas beyond their ridiculous home mortgages,” Bush told reporters.

“How are they getting to work each day? Are they driving themselves? That’s a scary thought. And who buys their groceries? Who helps them calculate tips at restaurants? Who stops them from running around in open fields with aluminum baseball bats in the middle of lightning storms?”

The plan is not without its critics.

“Why are our tax dollars being spent helping these people,” asked Omaha resident and homeowner Shelly Anderson. “They got themselves into this subprime mortgage mess. They should have to pay the consequences.”

Delaware resident and homeowner Clive Johnson agreed.

“The government shouldn’t reward those who make bad choices. It penalizes those of us who have done things the right, smart way.”

When informed this plan would, among other things, prevent these homeowners from driving, holding up lines at grocery stores, malls and banks, and reproducing, Anderson and Johnson changed their tunes.

“This is the best idea I have ever heard,” remarked Anderson. “You have restored my faith in the government,” replied Johnson.

To those who believe this plan is simply a band-aid approach to a much larger issue, Bush sympathizes.

“Look, if it were possible to round up all these people, put them in a rocket and send them to the moon, we’d do it. Unfortunately, NASA hasn’t invented a rocket big enough. This is the next best option.

“We can’t make these people any smarter, but we can have a government agent watching their every move. If they try to stick a fork in an electric socket, our agent will be there to stop them. If they try to rent a Paris Hilton movie at the video store, our agent will be there to take the movie out of their hands.

“And if they try to buy another home with a variable-rate mortgage that would comprise over 80% of their gross salary, our agent will be there with a rolled-up newspaper to hit them over the head and firmly say, ‘NO.’”

Enjoyed it, didn’t you? Well, why not check out the other articles I wrote for Free Money Finance on April Fools Day? There was How to Sell Your Home in Any Market? Be Aloof, a gem that teaches you the proper way to sell a home. There was John Bogle Punks World, Admits Index Funds Aren’t Real, a look at how Vanguard founder and notorious prankster John Bogle played a practical joke on the entire world. And my second favorite, Planning for Retirement in a Post-Apocalyptic World, which needs no explanation.

Humor-blogs should check out Free Money Finance.

“It is fascinating to witness,” remarked Kevin Dugan, lead researcher of the study.

“One individual we studied went on a three-minute rant about rising gas prices while she was standing in line to buy the complete series of Full House on DVD. One minute, she’s talking about how she wouldn’t be able to afford to drive to work if gas prices keep rising. The next minute, she’s quoting lines from Full House.

“It was fascinating. And frightening.”

Another individual was overheard expressing concern over potential layoffs at his place of employment.

“We debated asking him why he was shopping for a plasma television, but we didn’t want to interfere,” explained researcher Sarah Nolen.

“Like scientists studying gorillas in the jungle, we must stay out of their way. If we interact with the test subjects, we impact their actions. You wouldn’t ask a gorilla why he was buying a plasma television if he was afraid of losing his job. Would you?”

In the report, which cost $892,000 to complete and was charged to the institutes’s credit card, Dugan and his colleagues studied consumers as they shopped for numerous questionable items. The researchers went to malls, Hummer dealerships, Starbucks, Miley Cyrus concerts, and Disney World.

“What we discovered is that, for most Americans, financial concerns — rising food and gas prices, unemployment, mounting debt, the subprime mortgage mess, the stock market, etc. — are no match for the sheer joy of buying an iPhone for yourself or a sweater for your dog or cat,” noted Dugan.

Dugan did discover a silver lining during the study.

“People like to complain about financial matters, but complaining doesn’t cost anything. It’s free.

“Free. That’s pretty frugal, right?”

The preceding silliness was a public service announcement. With “rebate” checks from the government arriving any day now, please be smart with the money. Don’t use the money on “stuff” (aka “junk”). Pay off debts. Use it to start an emergency fund. Heck, buy gas and food with it. Just please, for the love of all that is good and holy, don’t waste it. Only a fool would do that. You’re not a fool. Are you?

Humor-blogs pities the fool.

“Al Capone was a murderer, but how did they finally put him away,” asked noted bad actor Ben Affleck rhetorically. “For cheating on his taxes.

“Wesley (Snipes) wasn’t a murderer — he didn’t kill anyone who didn’t have it coming — but he was a horrible actor. And they made him pay for it.”

Bad actor Nicolas Cage agreed. “This is truly a sad day for bad actors everywhere,” noted the inexplicably successful star of numerous blockbuster movies.

“John (Travolta) and I talked about this very scenario ten years ago on the set of Face/Off. Someday, we said, people were going to get sick and tired of the madness. They were going to rise up and rid the world of ‘our kind.’

“Frankly, I’m surprised it took society this long to begin smiting us.”

Other actors took a less philosophical approach to the sentencing.

“Good Lord,” shouted overrated actor-comedian Chris Rock to nearby reporters. “If they can get Wesley, I don’t stand a chance. He was Blade, man. Blade!”

“I won’t last in prison,” sobbed infamous waste of space, Pauly Shore. “Do you know what they do to people like me in prison? Do you?! They’ll force me to watch Bio-Dome and Encino Man over and over! I can’t do it…I just can’t!”

The fact Snipes, a bad actor but nowhere near one of Hollywood’s worst, was the first domino to fall has led many observers to believe the actor will be offered a reduced sentence if he cooperates with authorities.

“It’s me they’re after,” remarked Keanu Reeves.

“Snipes was in Demolition Man with Sandra Bullock, my co-star from Speed and The Lake House. Snipes was also in that To Wong Foo drag movie with Patrick Swayze, my co-star in Point Break. He was also in U.S. Marshals with Joe Pantaliano, who was in the first Matrix movie. You know, the good one.

“They got Snipes so he can help them get me.”

When asked for comment, the lead prosecutor in the Snipes case confirmed the suspicions.

“It’s true. We’re after Keanu.”

Humor-blogs ratted on Wesley.

Gas prices have gotten absolutely ridiculous. Yesterday, it took $48 to fill up my Mustang. When I first got the car, it took $33 to fill it up. Call me crazy, but a 45% increase in two short years seems like a lot.

What kills me is there doesn’t seem to be much outrage about these insane gas prices. Oh sure, people are talking about it. But where’s the outrage? Where’s the media circus? For crying out loud, the non-story of Dick Cheney possibly being photographed with a naked woman reflected in his sunglasses (when in actuality the reflection was of his hand) has received more media exposure than gas prices as of late.

Almost one year ago, I wrote one of my favorite “fake news” stories — Gas Boycott to Solve World’s Problems. Despite being brilliant, it received only one comment. But whatever… I’m totally over it. (Don’t cry, Kevin. Be strong.)

Anyway, the story was written to mock the nationwide, one-day “gas boycott” that was to take place the following day. Despite feeling very high at the time, gas prices in my area back then were around 70 cents cheaper than they are today.

A year later, I admire the passion of these boycott participants. Granted, they were misguided and possibly stupid, but their hearts were in the right place and their message was clear: something has to be done about these insane gas prices.

Farmers, in order to survive the soaring gas prices, are having to raise the prices of their produce. This means that we consumers are having to pay more for our gas and our food. Consumers having to spend more on gas and food means that many are having to spend less in other areas.

The many ways reduced consumer spending can impact the world are too numerous to list. One of the scenarios I’ve played out has a penniless Britney Spears moving next door to me, and me ultimately being committed to an insane asylum.

For the love of all that is good and holy, something has to be done!

What can we do, people? How can we stop this? And so help me, if anyone suggests having a one-day gas boycott I’ll have to throat punch you.

I’m serious.

Humor-blogs recommends a two-day gas boycott.

In the real world, someone like this would be considered psychotic. No one would want to share an office with such an individual. You would try to avoid making eye contact with this person, and you would probably learn karate just in case you ever had to defend yourself against this maniac.

Right?

Well, in the game of baseball, this person would be former major leaguer Turk Wendell. Turk was definitely eccentric, but in the game of baseball he was just another superstitious player. Superstitions and baseball go hand in hand.

But why is that? Why are antics that would normally label a person as being “out of his freakin’ mind” dismissed as just another superstitious quirk if that person is a ballplayer or fan?

Some players think it is bad luck to step on the foul lines, so they intentionally step (some even leap) over them. Some players think it is bad luck not to step on the foul lines. If you saw someone at the mall intentionally avoiding, or intentionally stepping on, lines on the ground, you’d be so distracted you wouldn’t even notice the two dozen white teens dressed like gangsters at the food court.

Hall of Fame third baseman Wade Boggs used to eat chicken three times a day when he played. For night games, he would take batting practice at exactly 5:17 pm and would run sprints at exactly 7:17 pm. If you had a roommate who did this, wouldn’t you silently be rooting for salmonella?

Former Detroit Tigers pitcher Mark Fidrych used to talk to the baseball before every pitch. Granted, someone you know who did this would be quite entertaining to watch. But eventually, he’d start talking to his knives. That’s when you’d have to high tail it for the exit.

Some players refuse to wash items of clothing if they are playing well or their team is on a winning streak. Yes, I know being smelly doesn’t mean you’re crazy. But I’d bet good money the crazy guy who lives under the bridge in town doesn’t smell very good. Coincidence?

If a pitcher is throwing a perfect game or no hitter, his teammates refuse to talk to him. They’ll sit on the opposite side of the dugout just to avoid him. Why? Because they believe talking to him or being near him will jinx him. I can’t think of anywhere else in society where this tactic is practiced. Are there parents out there who ignore their young toddler whenever he or she goes an extended period of time without falling?

Perhaps the craziest of crazy superstitious acts happened recently when the New York Yankees dug up a jersey of Boston RedSox player David Ortiz. While construction work was being done for the Yankees’ new stadium, a Boston fan and Yankee hater buried the jersey in an area that was soon to be filled with concrete. The Boston fans’ goal? To put a “hex” on the new stadium.

Okay, this is just one crazy fan, right? Surely the other people involved in the story were a bit more level headed.

Ha.

Eventually, the Boston fan bragged about what he had done. The New York Post got wind of the story. The Post relayed it to New York Yankees management. Management’s response? To dig up — at the cost of more than $50,000 — the jersey.

“We turned this dastardly act into a positive one,” Levine (Yankee President) said.

“We want to thank The Post for raising this issue,” Levine said. “Two heroic construction workers gave us a tip where the shirt was, and we acted immediately.” (read story)

The Yankees are threatening criminal or civil charges against the fan who buried the jersey. Madness.

I love the game, but what is it about baseball that brings out the loony toon in a person?

Humor-blogs is superstitious like a fox.

“Shocked isn’t the right word,” said Braves manager Bobby Cox as he hid under his desk. “We’re terrified.”

Braves players, who were initially told Redman went away so he could rehab at one of the team’s minor league farm clubs, were only made aware of the fact the pitcher had been put to sleep when he failed to attend his own birthday party in January.

“Mark loved to eat cake,” noted Braves catcher Brian McCann. “So when he didn’t show up at the party, we knew something was wrong.”

“I sure hope he doesn’t mistake my head for a piece of cake,” added pitcher John Smoltz. “My bald head is kind of shiny, so he might think it’s a candle or something.”

Losers of the first two games in the Colorado series, the team has been unable to concentrate on baseball with the threat of being eaten at any moment hanging over their heads.

“What happens if he intentionally hits me with the first pitch of the game,” asked second baseman and lead-off hitter, Kelly Johnson.

“Do I charge the mound to fight him? Wouldn’t that be playing right into his zombie hands? Doesn’t he want me to charge the mound so he can eat my brain?”

“Man, take one for the team,” interrupted veteran pitcher Tom Glavine. “If he eats your brain, maybe he’ll get full and leave the rest of us alone.”

In an act of self preservation, third baseman Chipper Jones is attempting to convince backup infielder Martin Prado that bathing in olive oil and oregano will help him become a better player.

“Martin’s young and doesn’t speak English very well, so I think I can get him to do it,” remarked Jones.

When asked for comment, Redman sounded upbeat about the possibility of facing the team that gave up on him a year ago and had him killed.

“It’s always nice when you get the chance to prove your doubters wrong and eat their delicious brains,” said Redman.

Humor-blogs reanimated Mark Redman.

“I would still dress that way today if it was socially acceptable. It was so comfortable.”

This prompted a female friend, tongue placed firmly in cheek, to astutely chime in with something along the lines of:

“Still? Exactly how are you dressed any differently?”

It was a good point. I essentially dress the same today as I did in 1996.

Typically, you can “date” a photo taken of somebody by how they are dressed. As my friends pointed out, you cannot do this with me. You have to go by other things, such as family members standing nearby or hair styles of people in the background, to date photos of me.

Why has my attire remained essentially the same over the past dozen years? It’s quite simple, really. Why mess with perfection?

My style is something I like to call business grunge. In essence, I wear what I feel is comfortable, which was the basic point of grunge, but I’m grownup about it. I’ve never owned a pair of Doc Marten boots. I’ve worn a flannel shirt maybe three times my entire adult life. I don’t rip my blue jeans, and any holes in them are unintentional.

So what’s business grunge? I’m glad you asked.

I wear blue jeans pretty much every day. They are loose fitting jeans, although once every three years I will throw tapered jeans into the mix just to make it interesting.

I wear Ralph Lauren or Kenneth Cole dress boots. They are comfortable, quite expensive and last forever (which helps keep the frugal part of my brain happy). On weekends, I wear Nike Air running shoes, although I only run if being chased. In college, I wore snake-skin cowboy boots. Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots wore them in the music video for Interstate Love Song, and I thought they were perfect for the young college freshman on the go. I long ago retired them, but I plan on bringing them back at some point in the future when the world is ready.

I wear long sleeve, open collar, button down dress shirts. They’re usually earth tone colors. I wear them untucked and I usually roll up the sleeves. Occasionally, on weekends, I will leave the shirt unbuttoned and wear a solid color t-shirt (also untucked) underneath.

I have two watches. Both are Kenneth Cole. One has a metal band, the other is black leather. I usually only wear them to work.

I own lots of hats, but I hardly ever wear them. I’m not a fan of hat hair.

I like to wear jackets. As my friends and family can attest, it usually takes extreme Southern heat for me to give in and admit that it’s no longer “jacket weather.” I have a Ralph Lauren dark brown jacket, a Kenneth Cole black leather jacket, and a Ralph Lauren black trench coat. To those wondering, I purchased these jackets before my frugal revolution took place.

And there you have it.

On a scale of 1 to 10 - 1 being “awesome” and 10 being “ridiculously awesome” - how would you rate my style? Unless you have something bad to say, I encourage you to be completely honest.

Humor-blogs wants to dress like me.

Thank you, Lord

It has now been 635 weeks since a movie starring Pauly Shore has been released nationwide to theaters. Let that soak in for a moment. If life ever gets you down, think about this and smile.

So long, New Coke. We hardly knew you

Velvet Revolver, my favorite musical group, has broke up. Scott Weiland, the lead singer, apparently had difficulty playing nice with other members of the band. “Wait, how is this awesome,” you’re probably asking. Because it means the Stone Temple Pilots‘ summer reunion tour (note: STP is Weiland’s prior band and my favorite band growing up) is now very likely a permanent reunion (or as permanent as a rock group can be).

I liked Velvet Revolver, but the truth of the matter is I liked them because they sounded a lot like Stone Temple Pilots. Now, I no longer have to accept imitation STP. I can enjoy the real thing again. It’s like when Coca-Cola brought back Classic Coke. Exactly the same, in fact.

The ocean called

Last night, while getting takeout from a Chinese restaurant, they put out a fresh batch of fried shrimp just as I walked up to the buffet. I don’t believe fried shrimp is technically Chinese food, but I didn’t care. Good is good.

They call me “Mr. Glass”

Baseball season is back! My Atlanta Braves have stumbled out of the gate, but they’ll be fine. Starting pitcher Mike Hampton is another matter. After missing the previous 2 1/2 seasons due to various injuries, Hampton was set to make his comeback Thursday night in Atlanta. That was until he pulled his left pectoral muscle while warming up. The Braves placed him back on the disabled list today, although they say the injury is “minor.”

Whoever had “zero” as the number of pitches Hampton would throw this year before getting hurt again, you won the office pool.

For crying out loud, Mike. Samuel L. Jackson in the movie Unbreakable was less injury prone than you.

I hope Hampton doesn’t read this and try to leave me a nasty comment… he’d likely dislocate a finger while typing.

Kudos to you, sir. And kudos again.

The week, as far as “spreading the awesome that is SKOS to others” goes, was a great one. A woman of impeccable taste, Wendy Boswell, featured SKOS at About.com and then left me a comment stating that I’m “cute.”

The must-read Free Money Finance blog featured four original “fake news” stories of mine on April Fools Day (read them here, here, here and here).

Color me curious, but I wonder how many of my regular readers actually read my articles at Free Money Finance? Don’t let the “personal finance” angle fool you: three of the four articles are as funny and entertaining as anything I have ever written. The other article is crap, though. It displeases me, so I have shunned it.

If you haven’t read them, go read them. You’ll love them. Well, except for the one.

That’s everything awesome that happened in the world this week. Did I miss anything?

Humor-blogs shuns the nonbeliever.

Since SKOS is a humor site, it would’ve been nice to have been honored on April Fools Day, but whatever… I’m totally over it. April 2nd is as good as any other day, I suppose.

Please excuse me, I have something in my eye…

In all seriousness, thank you Wendy. Please feel free to feature my site every day of the year. I won’t mind!

Humor-blogs is jealous of my awesome kudos.

(Translation: The very nice FMF at Free Money Finance wrote a post a few weeks ago asking if anyone would like to write a guest post for his site, and I sent a sad, rambling e-mail begging him for the opportunity. He showed pity on me and offered the opportunity to write four “fake news” articles for April Fools Day.)

Click a link below, or go straight to Free Money Finance, to read these gold nuggets of comedic magic. Be sure to leave lots of comments while you’re there!

1.
Government Steps Up Efforts To Assist “Stupid” Homeowners

The Premise: President Bush initiates a plan that will further assist homeowners with variable-rate mortgages they can’t afford.
Favorite Line: “(we) would assist the homeowner with cutting their food, walking their children to school, dressing them for work each day and other remedial tasks that are likely too much for the homeowner to handle alone.”

2.
John Bogle Punks World, Admits Index Funds Aren’t Real

The Premise: Bogle, founder of Vanguard, admits index funds are a scam he invented to win a bet with Warren Buffet.
Favorite Line: “One time I invested in cattle. Lost a bundle on that one. Their teeth fell out or something. I never really got a clear answer what happened.”

3.
How to Sell Your Home in Any Market? Be Aloof

The Premise: Jeff Valentine, a night club owner turned real estate mogul, explains how the key to selling property is making the prospective buyer believe he/she isn’t good enough to buy it.
Favorite Line: “Build a mote around the property. Any home requiring a prospective buyer to swim in order to get to it is certain to spark heavy interest.”

4.
Planning for Retirement in a Post-Apocalyptic World

The Premise: Movie critics/scientists release a study explaining why saving for retirement could be a useless exercise.
Favorite Line: “(in the future) all money will really be good for is kindling for fire and giving apes paper cuts.”

I encourage all of you to check out Free Money Finance while you are there. It’s a personal finance site that I’ve followed for over a year now. The tips and advice are great. The owner, FMF, is one of the most prolific blog writers I’ve ever come across. He regularly writes three to five posts a day and, every Sunday, he writes Biblical-themed articles on finance.

Perhaps best of all, all revenue earned at Free Money Finance is donated to charity. If that’s not altruistic, I don’t know what altruistic means or how to spell it!

Humor-blogs should check out Free Money Finance.

By all accounts, my quitting coffee cold turkey has been a success. There is only one tiny problem:

I’ve become stupid.

Since quitting coffee, my brain doesn’t work like it used to. I’m forgetting things - things I never used to forget.

A few days ago, I used my credit card and signed the receipt, but I forgot to fill in the tip amount or total. I’m methodical when it comes to finances, so this oversight is the equivalent of a surgeon forgetting to wash his hands or Rosie O’Donnell forgetting to eat her second lunch.

A day earlier, I came to a four-way stop sign. It’s one I encounter every day on my way home. I look to my left. Check. I look straight ahead. Check. Just as I am hitting the gas pedal to go forward, a giant SUV to my right darts past me. Did I check to my right? No, I forgot. But wait, I never forget. I’m the most cautious, paranoid driver in my age bracket.

I forgot the lyrics to a Stone Temple Pilots song.

I forgot to check my mailbox (real mail, not e-mail) on Saturday.

Someone asked me for the name of an actor we were watching on television, and I couldn’t remember:

“Darn, what’s his name… he was in the first Die Hard… he was with Costner in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves… um, he was in Galaxy Quest… what’s his name?!?” (I remembered his name two hours later: Alan Rickman)

I forgot to set my alarm clock one night.

I couldn’t remember if I’d already washed my hair, so one morning I washed it twice.

I’m currently wearing mismatched socks.

I have forgotten more things the past two weeks, but I can’t remember them.

Has anyone else experienced this? Is it normal? Will my brain eventually rebound, or will I be like this for the rest of my life?

Most importantly: would being a moron improve or hurt my efforts to avoid being eternally single?

Humor-blogs is eternally hilarious.

What movie from his past will Sly Stallone update next?

As you might expect, I have some suggestions.

Over the Top (1987)

In the original, Stallone plays Lincoln Hawk, a truck driver who has had life throat punch him more than a few times. His wife, who he abandoned years earlier, is about to pass away. Also, his name is Lincoln Hawk.

After the death of his wife, Stallone tries to make amends with the son he also abandoned years earlier. His son doesn’t think too much of him. This is partly due to the fact Stallone abandoned him years earlier, and partly due to the fact Stallone burdened him with the last name Hawk. However, everything turns up roses once Stallone enters the national arm-wrestling tournament in Las Vegas. If he can win the competition, maybe, just maybe, he can win back his son’s love. And yes, this is the actual plot of the movie.

Sequel Idea: Oh, the sky’s the limit. After twenty years, maybe the glow surrounding Stallone’s arm-wrestling exploits has faded. Maybe the son, who would now be in his late 30’s, needs a new reason to love and admire Stallone. And what better way to re-win your son’s love and admiration than entering a Bingo tournament?

Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992)

Stallone plays Sgt. Joe Bomowski. He’s a tough detective who has recently broken up with his girlfriend, so his mom (Estelle Getty of Golden Girls fame) decides to visit him. She then follows him everywhere he goes and turns his life upside down.

She washes his gun in detergent. When he tries to talk a suicidal jumper down off a roof, she grabs a bullhorn and critiques the way he’s doing it. She gets in the middle of a shootout and becomes the lone witness to a murder.

Sequel Idea: You’re probably thinking what I’m thinking: wasn’t this plot an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond? I’m pretty sure the answer is yes. Anyway, if Estelle Getty is too old, perhaps Raymond’s Doris Roberts could portray Stallone’s mom in the sequel? Maybe “Raymond” himself, Ray Romano, could play Stallone’s brother? Wow, this could be good…

Oscar (1991)

In this remake of a French farce, Stallone stars as notorious 1930s mobster Angelo “Snaps” Provolone. When Angelo promises his dying father that he will give up the gang life for a respectable career, his plans go haywire in this witty comedy of errors. (synopsis by Rotten Tomotoes)

This movie, in all seriousness, is a favorite of mine. I consider it a hidden gem.

And while the plot doesn’t exactly lend itself to a natural sequel, I’m all in favor of Stallone bringing it to life. Why, you might ask? Because of Marisa Tomei, Stallone’s daughter in the movie. She was a cutie in 1991, and she’s a cutie today.

Sequel Idea: Marisa Tomei talks to the camera for 90 minutes. Stallone can occasionally do stuff in the background. Or not.

The Possibilities are Endless

The list of potential Stallone sequels is huge.

In 1984’s Rhinestone, Stallone sings with Dolly Parton. I’ve never actually seen the film, but in my head I imagine it to be comedic gold. Just imagine how great the sequel would be.

In Judge Dredd, a 1995 action flick that takes place in the year 2139, Stallone plays a judge who is convicted of a crime he didn’t commit. Rob Schneider is his sidekick. Start the promos.

In Demolition Man, a movie I have a hard time believing came out 15 years ago in 1993, Stallone plays a cop who is brought out of suspended animation in prison to pursue a violent criminal who is loose in a nonviolent future society.

Wesley Snipes, who co-starred in the original, would have to be replaced if there is a sequel due to the fact he is only allowed to act in vampire movies or flicks that go straight to video. But Sandra Bullock could be in the sequel. That’s not a completely… awful thing. Right?

So what say you, good people? What movie from his past should Stallone do next? Share your ideas by leaving a comment below.

Humor-blogs wants Stallone to do a sequel to Kindergarten Cop.

I’m talking, of course, about SPORTS.

Wait, don’t leave. Give this blog post a chance. They’ll be plenty of time for running away and gouging out your eyes when the post is over. Please sit back down.

Thank you.

You’ll be happy to know this post isn’t about the “S” word per se, but about why it’s such a loathed topic on my blog. I realize everyone doesn’t care for sports, but everyone doesn’t care for coffee or Daylight Savings Time either. And yet those topics are usually big hits.

Case in point: On my original blog, I had reached the point where every post I wrote received between 15 and 30 comments. One day, I wrote my first “fake news” article. It was my Atlanta Braves Sign Charlie Sheen post. It received two comments.

Two.

Let’s forget my own opinion that the post was at least mildly funny. Let’s forget the fact it was later published by Associated Content and featured on its humor page. Let’s forget the fact a less than family-friendly site found it appealing enough to steal and publish on their own site without my permission. Let’s forget all that. It received two freakin’ comments. To put that into perspective, a post I once wrote about ants in my car received 14 comments.

It doesn’t end there. My post explaining why baseball players spit, a question asked by most every fan, received only three comments. And one of those comments was from me!

My real-life story of the time I was a coach for a girl’s fast-pitch softball team and a brawl broke out on the field received one comment. How does a first-hand account of my having to break up a fight between two dozen teenage girls not warrant more comments?

My topical Helping the New York Mets Through the Five Stages of Grief article last fall received six comments, but only two had anything to do with the Mets and their incredible display of awfulness.

Arguably one of the best things I have ever written, Braves “Put Down” Pitcher, Tell Players He Went to Live on Farm, received three comments. Three. The Junk Drawer, Diesel and Frogster would get twice that number even if they wrote a post that simply said, “anyone who leaves a comment to this is an idiot.”

Only one sports-related post of mine has ever broken through. Team Names in Sports are Offensive… and Hilarious had 16 comments. Is poking fun at sports the secret to writing a popular sports-related post? My recent Most Sports Fans are Complete Idiots post that didn’t receive a single comment its first three days of existence would say the answer is “no.”

The question is why. Why is a humor piece about Paris Hilton praised while a humor piece about sports is bludgeoned with a bat? Why is a fake news story about the whereabouts of The Dell Dude praised, but a fake news story about the Braves putting an under performing pitcher to sleep loathed? Why is Keanu Reeves still starring in movies even though I haven’t cursed since 1996?

These are questions that haunt me.

Humor-blogs also haunts me.

Now, please do not misunderstand: being a sports fan doesn’t make you stupid. I’m a sports fan. Not liking or knowing much about sports doesn’t make you stupid either. I know zilch about hockey and couldn’t care less about it. Last time I checked, hockey trivia isn’t included on most IQ tests.

You’re also not stupid if you like sports, but you do not know them inside out. Not being obsessed with and knowing every minute detail of a team is a good thing. It means you are a casual fan. It means you are normal.

No, a stupid sports fan is a special breed. He or she is the type of person who hears Abraham Lincoln’s quote, “better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt,” and thinks to themselves, “Lincoln… he’s the guy with the big hat, right?”

The stupid sports fan broadcasts his stupidity to anyone and everyone. He calls sports radio talk shows. He leaves messages on online forums. He sits next to you on the airplane. It isn’t his lack of sports knowledge that makes him stupid. No, it’s the fact he thinks he is a genius and wants the entire world to know it.

He thinks the world revolves around his favorite team. He thinks other teams should trade their best players to his team in exchange for spare parts and garbage. He thinks every free agent should sign with his team. He either thinks the people in charge of running his favorite team are geniuses or complete morons (there’s no middle ground). And even if he believes they are geniuses, he still believes he is smarter than them.

In short, he is irrational, emotional and completely insane. He’s the trifecta. And he gets on my nerves.

I could give you more quotes as examples, but if you are a casual fan or someone who could care less about sports, the quotes will not have much of an impact on you. In fact, it’s possible you will have no idea who any of the people or teams are, much less whether or not the context they are being used makes any sense.

So instead, I will present to you some fake quotes that have nothing to do with sports, but are on the same level of stupidity as the real quotes plastered on radio talk shows and message forums every day by die hard sports fans. This way, you have several comparisons.

Enjoy.

For the Computer Geeks

“All you Mac Leopard people are delusional. I have Windows ME on my desktop. I love it.”

“My computer’s got it all. Mice, keys, a screen, and if I push this button a cup holder comes out.”

“I am so sick of hearing about how great Firefox is. IE6 is awesome, and anyone who thinks otherwise is a fool.”

For the Literature Buffs

“I just finished reading War and Peace. That Shakespeare, he’s something else.”

“For my money, no one is better than Al Franken.”

“Maya Angelou is a hack. Most of her stuff doesn’t even rhyme.”

For the Frugal Shopper

“How much did you pay for that new car? You should offered $500 and a Superman comic book. Told them to take it or leave it.”

“$1.29 for salt? That’s ridiculous. I’ll grow my own.”

For Buffy the Vampire Slayer Fans

“Dawn wasn’t an annoying character.”

For the Fashion Savvy

“Snake skin cowboy boots are appropriate in any setting.”

“Only losers wear socks on their feet. Wear them on your hands, like me.”

“When shopping for beach attire, you can never go wrong with speedos.”

For the Movie Critics

“Any movie or television show can be improved upon if you add a monkey sidekick.”

“It is only a matter of time before ‘Larry the Cable Guy’ wins an Oscar. Anyone who believes otherwise cannot recognize true talent.”

…

As I think of more, I’ll add to the list. If you have any good ones, leave a comment. I might just add them to the list (and give you credit, of course).

Humor-blogs thinks I’m grumpy now that I’ve given up coffee.

I am quitting coffee. I am quitting it cold turkey.

I know. These statements are probably on par with a vampire swearing off blood or Tom Cruise saying he is giving up crazy pills, but they’re true.

Why? Why am I quitting? Well, it’s simple really. When you combine something as awesome as coffee with someone as awesome as yours truly, there is an awesome overload. And when the overload wears off, you fall hard off the awesome mountain. Very hard.

Going on three or four weeks now, by mid-afternoon each day my energy is gone. Being awesome from nine in the morning to six in the evening is hard work. By seven o’clock, I’m ready for bed.

When my #1 Dad mug is in my hand and coffee is touching my lips, I feel great. But that’s the problem. I can’t drink coffee all day long. For one thing, I’d never again be able to fall asleep. For another, when I drink more than four cups of coffee I gain superpowers. I have enough on my plate to deal with without having to worry about setting co-workers on fire when I sneeze.

My only recourse is giving up coffee. Only then will I be able to break my caffeine addiction. Only then will I cease being sluggish by mid-afternoon. Only then will my body revert to its normal state of awesomeness.

Your support in this endeavor is appreciated. No doubt, I will probably be grumpy for a while. My writing will likely reflect it. Try to be patient when I inevitably write a series of “why is everyone in the world so darn annoying” rants in the coming weeks.

It’s not going to be easy. As I write this, my head is pounding. I’m not exactly sure what caffeine does, but I’m pretty sure without it your head caves in.

Thankfully, I have a thick skull.

Humor-blogs also suffers from awesome overload.

Who on earth invented this practice of pinching anyone who isn’t wearing the color green on St. Patrick’s Day? Was it the same guy behind all those Leprechaun movies? If so, dude, haven’t you done enough?

Like most ideas that are now mainstream, I believe this started out as a goof. Colin Farrell, Sinead O’Conner, 90’s music group House of Pain, Bono, Roma Downey and Lucky the Leprechaun were all probably drinking at a pub. The evening started with them comparing the works of Oscar Wilde and Dylan Thomas, transitioned to them pondering how The Smurfs reproduced, and then ultimately ended with Colin Farrell sucker punching Roma Downey. And somewhere in the middle the idea of pinching anyone who didn’t wear green on St. Patrick’s Day was thrown about.

How in the world the idea caught on is beyond me. It’s the equivalent of throat punching anyone without a date on Valentine’s Day. A fun idea? Sure. Practical? Hardly.

All over the country, people who forgot what day it was and dressed in greenless apparel will be tormented. They’ll essentially be walking around all day with a “pinch me” sign on their backs. Friends, family and even complete strangers will walk up to them and pinch them.

It’s madness, I say. Madness.

All that said, I’m really looking forward to pinching people.

Humor-blogs had to Google “Roma Downey” to know who I was referring to.

The last time I looked, I had a head with a face on it. But to those who have a computer question, that round thing on my shoulders is a Magic 8 Ball and when you shake it, an answer comes out.

Such is my life in tech support. In my former life as a person without all the answers…

I could use a restroom without being asked how to disinfect a computer virus on the PC owned by a person not in front of their computer with their pants on, but one doing pants-down things in the neighboring stall. Sure, write this down. Oh, you don’t have a pen in there? How silly of me.

I could attend a social event at work without being approached by a client who spots me daring to have fun and asks if I can transfer all their VHS tapes to DVD, even though it has nothing to do with their work and how very bold of you to ask for those services for free and, oh yeah, this is a social event.

I could shop at a grocery store without running into someone outside of work who thinks I’m still on the clock, even though I’m clearly busy deciding whether the super strength of Charmin Ultra Strong is a better option than the delicate tenderness of Ultra Soft, and care to help me pick one while I answer your question?

I could remain unknown to the friend of a friend of a family member who heard that I’m in tech support. Or the kid of a co-worker who got a computer virus. Or the parents of someone I used to work with. Or a co-worker’s husband whose business doesn’t have in-house tech support. To everyone who I don’t work for, I have two words for you: Geek Squad.

I could be shielded from questions that start with “I know you don’t support this, but…” Translated, that means “I chose to ignore what you said and hope you’ll have pity on me, even though I know you can’t possibly know all the inner workings of random software applications we insist on using. I hoped what you meant was that if I kept pestering, you would break down and support it anyway. So can I ask you a question?”

I could eat lunch at my desk without being interrupted by someone who doesn’t know that lunch, according to Webster’s dictionary, means “to eat lunch.” If I thought it would help to explain that I take a lunch break at lunch to eat lunch and do nothing but enjoy lunch at lunch, I would. But that only prolongs the conversation until my meal turns into a cold, hard remnant of its former piping-hot self.

So what’s the lesson here? If you want to shake my Magic 8 Ball head, do so at your own risk. If I’m not in my office, or not on the clock, or I don’t work for you, my head might explode. And for the record, an exploded head is unable to answer your questions.

Humor-blogs should ask again later.

• The woman chose on her own to stay inside the bathroom. Her boyfriend of 16 years tried daily to get her to come out. She would always respond, “maybe tomorrow.”
• The boyfriend brought the woman food and water every day. On February 27, he called police to report, “there (is) something wrong with (my) girlfriend.”
• Because she had been on it for so long, the woman’s skin had grown around the toilet seat. She was stuck to it. “We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital,” said the town’s sheriff. “The hospital removed it.”
• “She is an adult; she made her own decision,” said the boyfriend. “I should have gotten help for her sooner; I admit that. But after a while, you kind of get used to it.”
• Authorities are debating whether or not to press charges against the boyfriend (for not getting help sooner).

I don’t even know where to begin on this one.

I could go on an angry rant about how the boyfriend should be punished for not contacting the authorities sooner. His girlfriend is obviously ill, and no amount of “she is an adult” should safeguard him from receiving a massive beat down.

I could talk about how sad I am for the woman. Her boyfriend said she received beatings in her childhood, and the reason she initially stayed in the bathroom is because she “felt safe” there. She obviously has psychological problems, and I hope she is able to get the help she needs.

I don’t want to talk about either of those, though. It’s Friday. I want to end the week on an upbeat note. As a result, I will ask some practical questions. These are questions I doubt anyone else in this wild, crazy world will ask:

What did the boyfriend do when he had to use the bathroom?

With his girlfriend claiming the bathroom as her own, what did the boyfriend do? Did he have to bathe in the kitchen sink? Did he “do his business” in the bushes outside his home? And how did his neighbors feel about that? I have to imagine they weren’t thrilled.

Assuming there was a second bathroom in the home:

Who had the nicer bathroom?

Was the girlfriend in the master bathroom? On the one hand, you’d like to think she was since it was the only room in the entire house she used. The only thing worse than staying in the bathroom for two years is staying in the small bathroom for two years.

At the same time, look at it from the boyfriend’s perspective: It’s your home. You paid good money for it. And instead of being able to enjoy your master bathroom, you are exiled to the guest bathroom. The small bathroom. The bathroom without a heated towel rack. The bathroom without a second sink in front of the vanity. The bathroom without a jacuzzi. And why are you exiled? Because Ms. Crazy Crazerson has taken up shop in your master bathroom!

Did she have a television in the bathroom?

If the answer is no, I have my suspicions that this entire story is fabricated.

Two years without Alton Brown and Giada De Laurentiss?

Two years without major league baseball?

Two years without The Office and Scrubs?

Two years without Survivor, Big Brother and the rest of Reality TV? Actually, she might have been onto something…

Surely she had some kind of entertainment? Did her boyfriend bring her magazines and books? Did she have a laptop with wireless Internet connection? Did he put in a new shower curtain every week so she’d have something different to stare at?

If she did have a television, did she ever watch HGTV and think, “that would look great in here?”

Okay, I’m almost ashamed of this question.

Was the boyfriend faithful?

Does he own other houses? Has anyone bothered to check those bathrooms? Do you really expect me to believe this guy neglected only one girl? He’s a serial neglecter if there ever was one.

Wait, she ate in the bathroom??

How incredibly unseemly.

Here’s hoping the next time this woman makes the news, it’s because people are marveling at her remarkable recovery and the fact she has been able to move on to a happy, fulfilling life.

Humor-blogs likes to vacation in the bathtub.

Today I have two memes. The first is from a long-time reader who has tagged me in the past. The second is from a relatively new reader who I probably offended and scared away because she tagged me for the meme 8 weeks ago and I’m just now doing it.

The “To Do List” Meme

CC of The Life and Times of a Confused Twenty-Something recently tagged me for a meme where I write a list of five things on my “to do” list for the week that are not related to work. It won’t be easy, but let’s see if I can butcher this perfectly normal meme.

1. Shave my face. Even though I probably should shave every day since I work in an office, lately I find myself only shaving about once every six or seven days. Time, money and an inexplicable admiration for Kenny Rogers are the primary reasons for my weekly shaving habit.

2. Wash the dishes. At my former residence, I had a dishwasher and a roommate who never cooked (and therefore never dirtied any dishes). At my current residence, I have no dishwasher and a roommate who cooks approximately seventeen meals a day and washes the dishes approximately once per leap year.

The result? Something in my kitchen sink has come to life. I need to kill it before it kills me.

3. Finish writing my four guest posts. Possibly due to my having blackmailed this individual (kidding), a very popular website will be publishing four new posts of mine on their site for April Fool’s Day. Their site is not a humor site, so I’ll be reaching a whole new audience with this endeavor.

Why am I writing for a non-humor site? What on earth will I talk about? Well, when these posts will publish (April 1) should give you a clue as to the why. For the what, you’ll just have to wait and see!

4. Pay my auto insurance bill. I have been driving for over a decade. That, obviously, means I have been paying for auto insurance for over a decade. Do you know how many accidents I’ve had? Zero. Do you know how many times I’ve filed an insurance claim? Zero. Doing some quick math in my head, I’ve paid approximately 8 billion dollars for auto insurance in my lifetime and I’ve yet to have had needed it.

Have you ever felt the urge to ram your vehicle into another just so you can justify the money you’ve paid for insurance over the years? And not just any vehicle, but the vehicle of one of those people who leave their grocery carts in the middle of the parking lot even though the cart return area is ten yards away?

5. Catch up on my blogroll. There are probably two dozen blogs I regularly read and enjoy, but thanks to all the time I’ve spent the past few weeks redesigning this site I have gotten way behind on them. I will attempt to remedy the situation this weekend. That is, unless I get distracted, which is a distinct possibility.

The Quirky Meme

In “I totally missed that” news, Lauren from Can You Be a Part of My Life tagged me for a meme way back on January 20. She even left me a comment so I would know about it. In my defense, the “ping” or “incoming link” you’re supposed to receive when someone has linked to your site didn’t get to me until two days ago. And as for missing the comment she left me, um, well… I went temporarily blind that day. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

Anyway, I’m supposed to share six non-important things/habits/quirks about myself.

1. I alternate between growing my hair long and cutting it short. There really is no rhyme or reason I do this, but I’ve had this habit since I was 18. Two weeks ago, I cut my hair short again. Before, my hair was the same length as the crazy guy in the photo to the left, but it was a tad less tamed. By that I mean instead of laying flat, my hair likes to curl at the ends when it gets long. This gives my head what my mom likes to call, “wings.”

Most people can’t pull this look off. And no, neither can I.

2. As I’ve mentioned before, I am directionally challenged. However, I am also mean and short tempered when I drive. This may not seem like a big deal, but you must understand that I’m one of the most laid-back people in existence. But when I drive, I become a different person. I’m easily rattled. I’m easily annoyed by other people. I’m quick to snap at the poor soul who is in the vehicle with me.

Mind you, merely sitting behind the wheel of a car doesn’t transform me. In normal driving conditions, I remain easy-going Kev. But if I’m driving to someplace I’m unfamiliar, if I’m lost, if I’m tired… well, evil Kevin comes out to play. It’s not pretty.

3. I like to wear jackets. Until it becomes unbearable to continue doing so, I wear a jacket everywhere I go. I’m pretty sure my mom has a photo of me wearing a jacket to the beach one summer.

4. I despise tuna. I can’t eat it. I can’t stand the smell of it. Those who know me and those who are long-time readers know I can thank my college dorm mate Denis, who ate tuna every day for four months, for this intense hatred.

5. Going along with #1, I am always brushing hair out of my eyes. This is perfectly normal when my hair is long, but it’s a tad peculiar-looking when my hair is short and nowhere near my eyes. I’ve gotten so used to the routine, I do it a dozen times a day regardless of my hair’s length.

People who meet me for the first time undoubtedly believe I am crazy.

6. I am a creature of habit. In college, I would eat Ramen noodles every meal for two or three weeks. Then I would eat stir-fry every meal for two or three weeks. Then I would eat turkey sandwiches every meal for two or three weeks. Then I would eat spaghetti every meal for two or three weeks. And then I repeated the process.

A more recent example would be my nighttime television viewing habit. For six straight weeks, I have watched the same thing every night before going to bed: NewsRadio. I own seasons one through four of the incredibly awesome and underrated sitcom. And every night for six weeks I’ve watched a few episodes. I’ll start on season one, go all the way to the end of season four, and then start over.

And yes, I’m being completely serious.

Tag, You’re It

For starters, I am tagging the two people who tagged me. CC, you get to do the “quirky” meme. Lauren, you get to do the “to do list” meme.

For both memes, I am tagging the following: Kathy because I told you I’d get my revenge… Erin and Allison because you’re both way, way, way overdue for blog updates… Diesel because I know how much you love memes… Angi because it’ll cheer you up… Frogster because “frogster” is such a funny word to type… frogster… Josh because I don’t think you ever did anything the last time I tagged you for a meme, and Steve because you had a birthday this week. Happy b-day, buddy!

Also on January 20, Lauren presented me with an “E for Excellent” blog award. Thank you, Lauren. This deserves a post of its own, so I’ll save it for another time.

Humor-blogs wishes I tagged it.

No doubt, you’ve bested me more times than I’d like to admit. The time I lost an entire day in college because of you comes to mind. But that’s all in the past, my friend. This year, I got you. I got you good.

My family said I was crazy when I moved my clocks forward five months ago. “You’re not supposed to do that until sometime in March,” they told me.

“I’m not letting Daylight Savings Time get the better of me again,” I told them. “With a five month head start, I’m pretty sure I’ll be acclimated by the time March rolls around.”

And guess what? I did get acclimated before March. In fact, it only took me four months to get used to the new time.

Oh sure, there were occasions during those first four months where I questioned the wisdom in having my clocks one hour ahead of the rest of the world. I kept getting to work one hour early. We don’t get overtime, so that wasn’t good.

And I kept missing my favorite shows on television. When you turn on the TV expecting to watch The Office and you instead see Judge Judy, well… it makes you question your life’s decisions.

And I missed a few dates, too. We’d agree to meet somewhere at 7:00. I’d show up seven o’clock, which was really six o’clock, not be able to locate my date, and next thing you know I’m leaving her an angry 12-minute voice mail message that inevitable ends with my sobbing, “whatever I did wrong… I’ll fix it.”

But all that was worth it on Sunday morning, when I woke up on time for church. While everyone else in the world was lamenting the lost hour of sleep, I simply smiled.

“Did we lose an hour sleep last night,” I rhetorically asked. “I didn’t even notice.”

What’s wrong, Daylight Savings Time? Feeling down? You’re not going to cry are you? Is the big baby going to cry? It won’t make you any less of a… whatever you are… if you cry.

Score one for “The Kev.” Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Daylight Savings Time. You mess with the bull, you get the horns!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to get ready for the Fall and set my clocks back one hour…

Humor-blogs likes Judge Judy.

Anyway, curious cat I am, I did some research. Alltop is a brand-new website from the creators of Truemors, a very popular social information site that has a Google PageRank of 6. To put that into perspective: American Idol’s website is also a 6, ESPN.com is a 7, and Carrot Top’s official site is a 4.

When I go to Alltop, I’m greeted by a nice, easy-to-follow layout. Apparently, Alltop is a collection (or “aggregation,” if you want to sound intelligent or geeky) of websites organized into categories. “All the top” (hence the name) websites are listed in each category, and links to the five most recent updates from each site is displayed underneath. It’s pretty nifty.

At the homepage, topics are grouped alphabetically. You’ve got entertainment, food, health, gaming, sports, politics, religion… the list is as long as… well, something very, very long. Sorry, I can’t think of any analogies without my morning pot of coffee.

Eventually, I glanced down to the “Humor” section of the homepage. There I found what you (hopefully) see in the picture to the left:

“Featuring The Onion, Jokers Joke, Special Kind of Stupid, and Stuff White People Like.”

I can’t truthfully say I am familiar with those other two sites listed, but The Onion is arguably the most popular humor site on the web. And there’s my site, listed in the same sentence with it. Usually, to be mentioned in the same sentence with someone or something famous, I’d have to resort to stalking a celebrity.

My bliss was kicked up a notch when I clicked on the “Humor” link. Only forty-seven sites are listed. Among them: The Onion, Dilbert, and Dane Cook’s website. Which site is listed top and center? Take a guess. Hint: it’s not Dane Cook.

Clearly, I must be a distant relative of one of Alltop’s creators. That’s the only logical explanation.

A big thank you to Guy Kawasaki and the rest of the Alltop team for including me in their index. The more I read about you guys and your past projects, the more I realize how big an honor this is.

So… which one of you am I related to?

Every so often, an advertisement with one of those Snorg t-shirt girls will appear.

I know what you’re all thinking. You’re thinking that I like these advertisements because the girls in them are pretty.

Balderdash. Get your heads out of the gutter, people. That simply could not be further from the truth.

I like them because of the refreshingly funny slogans on the shirts. Their humor brightens my day with laughter, sunshine and puppy dogs falling from the sky.

There I will be, down in the dumps about something or another, and suddenly a smiling face will greet me via an advertisement on this website.

“Hello frowny face,” they seem to say to me. “Don’t you like my funny shirt?”

“I do like it,” I will think to myself. And suddenly, all is right in the world.

Snorg t-shirts are like tiny gold nuggets of comedy magic. I’m not sure of the precise numbers, but it’s my estimation that 100% of their slogans are lines from Will Ferrell movies. I like Will Ferrell, so this is a good thing.

Who can forget Ferrell’s “I’m kind of a big deal” line from his movie, Anchorman? Snorg’s tribute to that line is priceless. And who can forget the “I love lamp” line from the same movie? Classic. I don’t remember which Will Ferrell movie the line “I am McLovin” came from, but I’m sure it was hilarious. The t-shirt version of it certainly is.

With so much evil in the world, it’s nice to find something that is an absolute good. Snorg t-shirts should be treasured. They’re able to put a smile on even the most jaded of faces. I don’t think it’s an exaggeration for me to say they are the best thing on this or any other planet.

Plus, the girls in their ads are hot.

Humor-blogs wears size extra medium.

We hear lots of people say lots of things throughout our lives. But every once in a while someone says something that is not only strange, but is said at such a odd time so as to completely baffle all hearers.

In 2007 I had the opportunity to do my civic duty. I served on a jury. I had to report to Houston County Superior Court here in Perry Monday morning to undergo jury selection for a civil case. They were not able to complete jury selection that day so I returned Wednesday and after a few questions by the judge and the defense attorney I, along with eleven others, was chosen to serve on the jury for the case of McClain and Scott vs. Bryant. And since the case is over, I am allowed to talk about it publicly.

The Case

On Christmas Eve 2003, Ms. McClain and her common law husband, Mr. Scott were driving west on Russell Parkway. They were following their daughter who was going to return a test drive vehicle to a dealership. Upon approaching Houston Lake Road they moved in to the yield lane that would allow them to bypass the red light and make their right turn onto Houston Lake Road. Well, as the defense (and their witness) described, Ms. McClain, who was driving, put on her brakes and came to a stop for no reason while in this lane causing the traffic behind her to stop suddenly. She then proceeded and suddenly stopped again but this time Mr. Bryant who was following bumped into the bumper of the car Ms. McClain was driving. The witness for the defense, who saw the whole thing from a gas station that was on that same corner, testified that the accident did not look like anything spectacular. But he finished pumping his gas and drove over to see about everyone. Ms. McClain and Mr. Scott both stated that they were fine. They also told Mr. Bryant they were fine. Three hours later (after doing some other activities) they go to Dublin, GA to the ER of Fairview Park Hospital and get checked out. Six days later they meet with their lawyer at the time who advises them to go to a chiropractor, so they do. Then they decide to sue Mr. Bryant.

The Trial

This case was pathetic in several ways. First of all, Ms. McClain and Mr. Scott (the plaintiffs) did not even offer an opening statement nor did they ask questions of the potential jurors prior to jury selection. Second, they had at one time retained an attorney, but had since decided to represent themselves. The reason this was sad is that they presented practically no evidence. They didn’t subpoena the chiropractor or records of their visit(s) to him; they didn’t subpoena any of the ER staff or any of the records of their visit there on the day of the accident. The only evidence offered by the plaintiffs was each of their own testimonies and the testimony of their daughter, whom they were following. She didn’t even see it happen. She merely described the aftermath of how they went to the ER three hours later. And even the testimonies of Ms. McClain and Mr. Scott were really no more than them whining about how hard they got hit and how much they hurt and how they should win the case. Incidentally, Ms. McClain testified after Mr. Scott and actually negated some of his testimony stating that he “didn’t know what he was saying.” They didn’t cross examine any of the witnesses for the defense and the closing argument offered by Mr. Scott was basically him saying thank you to the jury and that he thinks they should win.

Mr. Squarepants, Do You Promise To Tell the Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing But the Truth?

There were a lot of other things that went wrong for the plaintiffs in this case, but the most bizarre part of the whole trial was when Ms. McClain was giving her narrative testimony. She was hard to understand and kept wiping her eyes and/or nose as if she were about to cry (call me hard-hearted, but I was not buying it). She described the occurrence as her getting into the yield lane and then Mr. Bryant “flying” up behind her and then hitting them. She then said something to the effect of “And I just went out.” Even though all other witnesses (including Mr. Scott who was in the car with her) testified that she was never unconscious at any point. After she “went out” she described that something told her to pull her car to the side of the road so she did (even though no other witnesses could recall her doing that either). She said (and I am recounting to the best of my recollection) “I was in shock. And I looked at him [Mr. Scott] and he was just in shock…he was stuck like Spongebob and I was….” Hold it! Rewind!

He was “stuck like Spongebob”?

She continued talking beyond this statement but I am not sure anyone heard her next few words. I think that everyone else was still trying to see how Spongebob ties into this civil case. I know I was. As funny as it might be on any other occasion to compare another’s behavior to that of Spongebob Squarepants, I am certain that if I were the plaintiff in a case such as this one that I could come up with an analogy that sounded a little more….not-weird. And of course the defense attorney did not pass up an opportunity to milk that one. One of his first questions was “so you are saying that you were both in shock and that you did not say anything to Mr. Scott and he didn’t not say anything to you?” “That’s right”, she replied. “So he was just ’stuck like Spongebob’? What exactly does that mean, Ms. McClain?” Finally! Someone asked the question were all dying to know the answer to. What was her answer? “His eyes were all buggin’ out and he couldn’t say nothin’.” mm-hmm.

Once both sides of the case were heard the judge charged us with going into deliberations in order to come to a verdict. We could find in favor of the plaintiff or the defendant. If we found in favor of the plaintiff, we had to also come up with how much of a settlement they should get. Her honor also stated that we could only consider facts entered into evidence (including testimonies) and that we must decide if the preponderance of evidence weighed in favor of the plaintiff or the defendant. A majority of the jury, myself included, felt that the plaintiffs had simply not presented a very believable case and we were ready to side with the defendant. But there were a few bleeding hearts that simply felt sorry for the plaintiffs. In the end we decided to award each plaintiff with $950 which was a lot less than what the “bleeding hearts” wanted to give them, but still more than I wanted to give them (which was nothing). Nine hundred and fifty dollars was more than enough to cover their trip to the ER, but most of us did not feel that the trip to the chiropractor was necessary and that they simply did it at the encouragement of their lawyer (because they thought it might help in their case); it might have helped if they had actually presented the chiropractor’s testimony and/or his records of their visit(s) as evidence.

Moral of the Story

Lawyers are a necessary part of the justice system. Use one!

Secondary Moral of the Story: Don’t use references to cartoons in your testimony if the validity thereof is already in question.

Josh H.