I Have a Stalker (and Ants in My Car)
by kev on October 10, 2007 

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I have ants in my car.

How the ants got inside my car is a mystery. I do not have food in my car. There are no empty bottles or cans. With the exception of some books, a couple envelopes and lots of dust, the inside of my car is clean.

In short, there is simply no reason for ants to want to go inside my car.

Naturally, I have come to the only logical conclusion one could make in such a situation:

I have a stalker, and he or she put the ants inside my car as some sort of psychotic gesture of love.

Having stalkers is nothing new to me. Last year, when my old blog was getting dozens and dozens of daily hits from someone in California, I put a stop to it by writing a post asking the stalker (i.e. Jessica Alba) to move on with her life. Now I will try to do the same with this unbalanced, ant-loving stalker.

Crazy stalker person,

Thank you for your gift. However, I must politely decline and state that I do not want ants in my car. I am sure in your crazy little brain, ants are creatures to be revered. Maybe as a child you became lost in the woods and were adopted by ants. I’m not sure how that would’ve worked, but for the life of me I can’t think of any other reason someone would give ants as a gift. I hope the two that crawled on my hand as I drove to work this morning weren’t your parents. “Make someone an orphan” wasn’t on my agenda for today.

In time, the ants in my car will slowly die out move away and retire to Florida. But please do not replace them with more ants. There are acceptable stalker-to-stalkee gifts and there are unacceptable stalker-to-stalkee gifts.

Ants in my car are unacceptable.

A box of chocolates to go along with a two-hundred page, hand-written letter that says “i luv kev” over and over is acceptable.

Ants in my bed are unacceptable.

My prom photo with my date’s head replaced with yours, to go along with a box of chocolates, is acceptable.

Ants, smothered in chocolate, are unacceptable.

A box of chocolates with “i luv ants” written on the box is acceptable.

Pretty simple, right? If you want to be my stalker, you need to abide by these. Otherwise, I will have to shun you just like I did Jessica Alba. That girl is a millionaire, but she didn’t send me even one box of chocolates the entire time she stalked me. You get two chances, crazy ant person. This was strike one.

Sincerely,

kev

P.S. Sorry about killing your parents.

Well, that should take care of that. My ant problem will soon go away, and if I’m lucky I will be the recipient of many boxes of chocolate. For the record, I don’t eat the boxes of chocolate. I just hold onto them and give them away as gifts to people on birthdays and Christmas. This saves me quite a bit of money on gifts. Pretty smart, right?

This (points to head) isn’t just a hat rack, my friend.